Ever hear the phrase when someone is trying to lose weight "it didn't take over-night to gain the weight, its not going to come off overnight either". That pretty much applies to healing as well. When I first showed up in therapy 5 1/2 years ago, I thought I would go in and just tell my story, be diagnosed, give me a plan to heal from it and I am out of here, and here I am 5 1/2 years later and I am still on this journey to healing.
Along this path I have learned that there are no short-cuts. You take a shortcut and you may miss the beautiful things you pass, or the hard things you need to endure.
One thing that has changed the most in my healing in the past 8 weeks is not shooting for an end, but allowing myself to just heal and let time and God get me there - however long it takes.
I go to therapy 4 days a week, I am one of the lucky ones that has great insurance that covers my sessions unlimited (call it God) but nothing has ever come to me that easy before, and I guess it's Gods way of giving me something that I never had - help and support.
4 days a week is hard work! but it's not my life. I go to therapy, I work hard with my therapist, I leave and I live life. We connect, he connects with me outside therapy, we reflect on the work, we trust the process and we continue the next day.
My life is not just about healing, it's about taking the healing and living my life in a way that I know I am moving out of something so huge, and moving into something better, and it takes time.
One thing I have learned about therapy and working with my therapist is that, each step I take in healing, I walk into something new that I never thought I had in me. We have talked about my story on different levels with different strengths.
It's much like body building, when you first start out, you can only lift 20 pounds, but then you work your way up to the point that lifting 20 pounds is a piece of cake because now you can lift 75 pounds - healing is the same way!
There are parts to my story I could not talk about even just 2 years ago, but I got stronger in that 2 years and now I am able to honor that part of my story with the strength I gained in the 2 years before that. Its a work in progress just like weight loss, just like with anyting in your life.
People often wonder "wow you have been in therapy 5 1/2 years? well YEAH of course I have, this is my life, my healing, my chance to make something so horrible and turn it into empowerment so I can live the way I was intended to live, this is not a race, it's a journey to healing.
I have known people in therapy for 10-15 years before they felt empowered enough to go out and embrace the world fully. If it takes another 2 years for me and it's Gods will, So be it, I am here and have been healing along the way.
I have to say, the past month in therapy has been really different for some reason, in a great way. We have this new found bond and trust from the hardness we went through at the beginning of the years due to an unfornseen sitatuion that was stressful in our work, and he has made a point to be here for me through it and not lean out, but lean in. That made a huge difference for me and the work in the past month! I'm not questioning the change or where it came from, but I call it God.
I have a wonderful husband, wonderful kids, and wonderful friends I call my support system on the outside as well, who help me make this path worth walking on, no matter how long.
This path I am on has no shortcuts, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I will keep showing up until life has me ready not to.. but for now, I continue the path, the long way around so I can see and endure all I need to see and endure to heal, and be the way God intended me to be.