I have recently received a lot of emails from people who read my blog, and friends from Facebook who have asked me, "what is this timeline your talking about? what is this timeline you are working on in your healing? whats this timeline your talking about in your blog? what is it? .. instead of replying to 50 emails, I have decided to share what it is I am working on in my healing, in a way, writing this blog entry about my timeline is healing, because I am opening myself up to let people know what healing is doing for me.
For 5 years in my journey of healing I have worked on talking about the past, talking about the abuse, working with "her"; the child that was abused, honoring her, honoring the past, going deep deep inside the wounds to get myself out from behind the walls I created since I was 5 years old; those walls that once served a purpose for protection; but today being the curse in keeping me in the silence.
It has taken many years to fully expose the past, fully take down the walls, fully see what it is I went through my whole childhood, fully accept that what was done to me, was not my fault. The abuse, the neglect, sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse, all of those things I had to dig out and find through HER (the child that was abused). I had to accept what was done to me, and see that the walls built around me; were the walls they caused me to build.
I went home to NH this past Christmas and faced my past.. I faced things I never thought I could face. When I came home from NH and returned to my work in therapy, returned to my house, returned to my life, I was a WHOLE new person. IT was as if I went up to NH and left the walls there, and I came back as the person who wants to face and see the abuse from MY eyes, not through them, or her, or ANYONE else.. it was time to tell the story from MY truth, from MY feelings, my PAIN, my story from MY heart!
This past month, the weight in my work (called silence) was no longer there.. I could stand up and talk and not go through pain and suffering in talking about my feelings, it was as if I left "her" up there, the "walls" up there, and I came back as the person underneath it all.
The timeline was an idea that we thought of; I thought of, and let me say this, this timeline book is like having my life in my hands. I work with it memory by memory, in order of time, each memory written down in the book, while at the same time talking about it, talking through it, re-telling my story from MY eyes, my heart, my emotions.
I write down how I felt then, and how I feel now. It's a lot of work, it's a lot of emotions, but it's GOOD work, and it's connecting work, and it's healing work, and it's the hardest work I have ever done, because for the first time ever in my life, I am truly seeing my story from ME. For the first time I am feeling what emotions I felt back then, NOW as I am today. For the first time in 5 years of working on this journey, I am RAW with walls down, and allowing the timeline to be shared and seen.
The time line serves a purpose for me to go through events, time by time, memory by memory, with notes and photos, and bullets marking important key things to remember. I also have positive notes written in there, so while working on it, we can turn back to those positive notes to remind me "this is NOT my fault, I am a GOOD person, I will GET through this", "this is for me".
I work with this timeline during the week in my therapy sessions; doing it with trust and support by my side. I do not enter into it alone.. the most crucial part in this, is honoring the fact that I am not alone, and I am talking about it, honoring the truth.
Being with, and Remembering the memories is painful, and takes gentleness, and care, pacing slowly and honoring myself, remembering to breathe. It's hard but good, because it's for ME, and I have wonderful support through it, and the best part? no walls, no weight, no silence.
This is such a rewarding piece for ME. It took me a long long time to find me in this horrible childhood that I endured. It has taken me a long time to see the abuse from MY eyes, but with that it's still a lot of tears that still burn, ANGER I am still afraid to show and be with, and the frustration that follows after I work on each piece.
This timeline when finished will be a book I can hold and go back to in my work, and say this is what my life was like, and this is how I feel about this moment.. and it also helps me in my process of writing my book. It helps to be fully open to my pain, and the knowledge of what happened to me.
That is what my timeline is about - my eye are set on the light, my soul is seeing the ultimate healing.. finding ME. Who is KAREN without the abuse owning her? I have yet to find out, but I feel it, someone always says to me "you are so close".. I feel myself coming alive from being numb.. and I CANNOT wait to get there and meet Karen, who she was meant to be; who GOD intended her to be.