stepping outside - looking in

When you have been working so hard in therapy for 5+ years, you sometimes come to this place where you get so mixed up in the healing, that you need to step outside and look in. That happened for me 3 weeks ago. I was driving in the car with my husband and tears came to my eyes! I was seeing the tree's pass by, and I was thinking back to when I was lifting weights with my then trainer "ruth" and how she said to me "look in the mirror" and I wouldn't, and she said to me in that moment "there is a reason why you cannot look at yourself".

In that flashback of that training session with Ruth, I then flashed back to my first therapy session - walking in, sitting in the black leather chair, with my therapist holding a clip board.

What I realized in that moment of that flashback was "I am no longer IN the abuse, I am OUT of the abuse, and I have the power to talk about my story and feelings outside of the abuse not inside". I AM IN CONTROL.

Right after I had these flashbacks and realization, I emailed my therapist like we do every Sunday night in reflecting - I explained what had happened in the car (passing tree's, light shining on the tree's and then the flasbacks of how I got from the gym and to therapy 5 years ago to open up about what was inside).

I told him in the email how I feel am no longer IN the abuse, but OUTSIDE the abuse - I realize "there is no harm anymore in talking about the story or working with the timeline".

He wrote me back that Sunday night telling me he had tears in his eyes.. that he was emotional inside from my realization that he had to keep going back to my email, re-read it, trying to respond by each paragraph as quick as he could in excitement because this realization is a new place for me to talk about all that is inside from the outside, not the inside.

It's been 3 weeks since that moment happened in the car, and I have not gone through "TWO O'CLOCK" since. Yes that is right, Two O'Clock has not happened in 3 weeks, because I realized I am not longer IN the abuse, I am OUT and I have power over IT and talking about it.

As most of you know, living my life with Two O'Clock has been with me since I was a child.. it's been the unknown in my life that no one could ever figure out.

Since that realization, since that email, my relationship in therapy, with my healing work, with my therapist has been open, sincere, accepting, filled with so much truth - it's been so different.

When I have tears in therapy, it doesn't scare me anymore. I open up and talk about my feelings and parts of the story and I leave feeling lifted, connection and NOT ashamed!

Stepping outside of the abuse and realizing I am no longer in the past allows me to talk about the story from ME and not the fear! I have decided to start working on my time-line again which is so empowering for me. There is so much empowerment over working with your thoughts and memories from a place where I feel I am not in it.. it's just so empowering I cannot explain it.

Today in session my therapist and I sat and had a long sincere talk about the past 4 months.. and I have to say this, God was present because it was one of the most sincere conversations I have ever had in therapy.

We both stepped back, took a look at things that happened from the outside into the past 4 months, dissected it, made sense of things, talked to each other, and better yet "heard each other".

I later joked and said to my therapist "damn, I wish we had a transcript for this beautiful conversation" because it was filled with trust and honesty, my feelings about the past 4 months, his feelings about me and my work and how hard the past 4 months were, what I really see in my healing work going forward".. and then there were hugs of joy - Stepping outside looking in.

I am no longer sitting there with a calendar saying "OK by this date, I want to be HERE in my healing" or "by the end of summer, I want to have finished this part of the healing and go to this one". Its no longer an agenda or a check off list. this is my HEALING - a path WORTH taking!

Whatever I need, whatever comes, whatever needs to be here, I am FULLY accepting whatever is offered so that I can continue to be outside of the abuse looking in and say "I am not afraid to talk, and this is how I feel". and it's HEALING.

I can actually sit here and say I love therapy now .. after 5 years I love it because I am no longe afraid of what is here, because I know I m no longer in it.

THis has been a HUGE month for me on so many levels. Today was another part of this journey that I am SO honored to be on, and I am so honred to be walking it with someone who truly is by my side.

I am so blessed for the people outside of therapy who has also walked by my side.. you know who you are, and I love you dearly.

I am really looking forward to whatever comes on this new path in healing, in therapy, in my life .. life is so different healing from the OUTSIDE in rather than the INSIDE OUT.

Healing and working through healing is a gift, not a burden.