It's no secret that I have an incredible hard time allowing someone to love and care for me without taking 3 steps back and building an ankle size wall just in case I get hurt. Today in therapy my therapist took my hand, and gently told me words that I was not prepared to hear; words I usually run from while my fingers are in my ears trying hard to avoid it at all costs - he said "somewhere deep inside you want to be loved and cared for and that is OK".
I noticed that my immediate reaction was tears in defense saying "NO! no I don't" (that was the 3 steps back and the ankle built wall that I am so good at doing).
I think even I was a little taken back by my tears and immediate defense, and truly wondering inside if I did need or want.
I call it the dreaded "D" word.. DEPENDENCY! I fear dependency! the thought of being dependent on another person to make me feel whole or connected makes me want to run far far away!
My relationship with God is the same.. I don't ask God for help, I just thank him. I told my therapist last week that I dont ask God for things because he has 1 billion people ahead of me that is in more need than my little problems. He reminded me that with God, there is no waiting list, he's there whenever you need him, you just need to accept - much like the people in my life today.
I haven't quite figured out why I am so scared of dependency. I have pretty much taken care of myself all my life. Maybe it has to do with rejection - if I don't ask, I cannot get rejected.
When I was little, I would hide small little notes in my dads wallet before he went to work, because I was afraid to ask him myself. I was afraid of the answer. I would ponder all day about him seeing that "note" - afraid of the answer - afraid of the rejection. Its so much easier to just go without, than to be rejected.
Today, I do the same thing (no I don't leave notes in people's wallet) - but I do hide behind a lot of things. I will send a text to someone and put my phone on silent so that I don't hear the response back, and I will only look when I am ready for the possible rejection. Sometimes I will be afraid to even look at my phone in fear that the person who I asked something of; just didn't care to answer.
If I have something hard to ask, I will hide behind an email, instead of talking to the person. I will leave a voicemail to someone to where it's not instant - there is time for the possible rejection or acception. I brace myself for the storm, but it's not a storm, it's a need or a want that I am simply too scared to accept.
Taking care of myself is the easy route, but then there is also a curse to that - the curse being that when I am having a hard time, I am alone in the hard; unless I reach out. The curse is, I never get to experience what it's like to have a HUG when I truly NEED one unless it's given to me. I dont have a problem hugging another person in need, or hearing another person when they need something - but when I need a hug or comfort or need something from someone else, I have to justify it as being OK.
When I was in the hospital at the beginning of May for 4 days, the nurses were so mad at me because I would always get up and get my own drinks, and or whatever I needed. The nurse put me back in bed and said "call me if you need anything". Well it took about 5 times of them getting angry with me before I got the message! I would try the same trick on the NEW nurse when they switched shifts until I heard one nurse outside of my room telling the new nurse on shift "she is really sweet, but it's hard to keep her in bed to get well".
It was hard having a nurse there caring for me, pampering me, helping me, attending to my every need. I felt bad for the nurse not realizing "this is her job". I just wanted to do it myself - actually I thought I had to do it myself.
I am finding more and more in this healing work that its harder to do it alone, but in real, deep inside, I know I am not alone! I just need to accept it. I need to let someone care for me and let it be OK.
In talking about this in session today, my therapist reminded me and told me that he cares very much about me, and although the blood was rushing to my head in fear of those words because I tend to block those things out getting ready to reject it; I accepted it and heard it. It took a few moments as I shook my head a couple of times trying to make sense of the words "I care about you".. but I took a chance to hear it and accept it.
I even struggle sometimes to let my own husband know I need help.. I will sometimes walk into his office, think about it, ponder it, and sometimes I end up walking out of the room and try and handle it on my own. BUT being married 20 years, I think my husband has picked up on the "Karen needs something face" - I just need to learn how to accept it.
I dont think my fear of losing my indapendance will ever go away, it's too strong. It's internally built, but I can nudge it a little and try and accept the people in my life who do care and love me; I just need to try and find a way to fully accept it without the "taking 3 steps back to build the ankle sized wall".
So today I am accepting all that was offered to me in connection, and I am going to take one step at a time to try and find self worth in those connections that were offered to me.
One step at a time - letting someone care.