I have always been a writer - since the age of 5 when I would write stories on white blank paper with pencil, and hide the writings behind a hole in the wall in my closet. In the past couple of months my writing has been hindered by many things going on in my life, and when I cannot write and put my thoughts out, it looks much like this photo - little bits of notes everywhere scattered.
Writing for me is a place to sort it out - to express - to share - to give myself voice like I have never had voice before, to where I don't have to hide it inside a hole in the closet anymore. The freedom to write and be, and speak is the power to healing, and always has been for me.
When I spent some time redoing some things on my blog today, I fell in love again, but it didn't come without it's bitterness, and frustration - it's been a work in progress not just logistically for my blog, but emotionally.
Last week in therapy I had said something that came right out of my mouth and it stunned and put my therapist to silence until he un-numbed and got up and wrote it on the white-board.. and I even stunned myself because of how powerful it was. I said "I finally have a voice to speak, I am not going to use it to lie".
The meaning behind that is, every word, every thought, every thing I write in my blog, or in emails of reflection, or spoken, it's a GIFT. A gift I have never had in my life. I was silent and retreated inward my whole life. No matter what my opinion was, feeling was, hurt was, joy was.. I never expressed outward, only inward to where it had no room to grow. I finally have a voice to speak, and every word is going to be filled with the gift of truth.
Every since I said those words in therapy, we talk about it often.. not only is it so filled with truth, but it values who I am as a person. It holds me accountable to my truth, speaking my truth, and being with truth.
For me, having a voice to speak is like someone winning the lottery, or getting their ultimate wish... well, I don't want to win the lottery, and I don't want a big house and nice things .. I want a voice to speak to hear my truth.. I want connection, and someone to hear and help me move through the hardness of doing that (like learning to walk).
A good day for me, is when I can find a way to get my truth out and heard.. and although sometimes I suffer in that (anxiety, or triggers, or emotional hardness) - as my therapist would say "at least your getting it outward and not inward, even if you have to say it 20 times until it's all out".
I do struggle with the hardness of getting some things out - but at least behind the hardness I know there is truth there waiting to be heard and accepted.
I am glad to be back on my blog writing - where it's my place to "sort it out".