walking in with no {walls}

{re}connecting back into session today after 10 days was nothing like it used to be, in a good way, a connecting way, a "healing" way. In the past, breaks and vacations from therapy whether it be me going away, or my therapist going away, or my friends going away - I would build walls and try and do it on my own.

I would disconnect and go inward because that is what I do, I try and be too strong all the time thinking I can do it on my own, because honestly, that is what I did my whole life! I never had support in my life, so I did it alone.

This break was different - this was a break not only my therapist and close friends were taking for vacation, but this was a break "I MYSELF" needed from all my surroundings! I chose to take time off as well for me, and what I needed.

When I walked into therapy today it was different. There were no walls of my "independence" that I build so high all the time. I had no walls that had to come down to let someone in. There wasn't any awkwardness in the room, it was just FILLED with connection!

I walked in today open and connected, and we jumped right into great conversation, healing words, reflecting on promises made.

We had a few laughs and then there were BIG TEARS! Big tears that had NO WALLS to cover them - and I was met with care, understanding and support in my emotions that showed up.

Big tears and emotions showed up because it was authentic and real - no walls to cover, no disconnection to hide the emotions.. and it felt OK.

I realized this was such a huge change for me from the past.. I realized during this break that I didn't have to do it alone - connection is always here, and I don't need walls to cover my strength, I can be strong and connected at the same time.

The walls of my stubbornness in thinking I have to do it alone were gone, lifted, vanished and my therapist kept smiling.. it's so new for me to be open right away after a long break.

Having gone through a tough month of May, there is newness in my ability to be more open and connected, and I have wonderful support and I realize that more and more everyday through that support around me. I realize more and more everyday that I don't need to build walls, I am safe!

Like the quote above says "You are confined only by the walls you build yourself" .. I chose to stay open the whole 10 days I was gone - open to myself, open to whatever I was struggling with, open to my support, open to 2:00, open to reaching out no matter what, and what that lead me to was more connection, no walls, just connection.

I gave my therapist a gift from the beach. It was a little sand box, it's square and painted and has a shell on the top and inside I had written "neither here or there, connection is always near" .. and he absolutely loved it because  it's a testament of another step forward in my healing, and our work.

I stayed connected, and I still am... and It's great to be back into this {re}connection with no walls.