I fought and won a battle in session today - 2 O'clock showed up for 2 hours in session today without warning, and we pretty much kicked it's butt and faced it head on until it gave up and let me free (at least for today) For those of you that don't know what 2 O'Clock means, you can read about it here
This has been a battle of mine since I was a child. Everyday I go through this process and today it showed up in session. It didn't show up right away, something triggered it, and there it was, right in front of me; something that I battle with everyday showed up in a place of healing, when usually I go through it alone.
I sat with it today and it was the same process that you would go through when your sick "throwing up".. but instead of throwing up, it was emotions. It came in waves, and I kept trying to hold it in, but It wasn't working.. I was purging emotions, and it was raw and obviously deep.
For over 90 minutes I faced 2:00 head on with my therapist and it was a battle; but a battle that I won. I won because I didn't isolate, I didn't run from it, I didn't want to be alone to deal with it, I didn't silence myself, and I did not swallow the emotions.
I stood up and had emotions, I sat down and had emotions. I was connected, I had a hand of support, a shoulder of support, a hug of support, a ear of support, a understanding of support.. I trusted MYSELF which is a huge movement for me.
2 people took down 2:00, not just one. I was going through it, while I had someone on the side reminding me to breathe and be with it, not hold it in. I would say it was a battle well fought, and one that I understand a little more.
2 O'clock is one thing that I have yet to fully overcome in my healing. It's something that is built in from childhood. It's something I go through, and it's hard to go through something that makes you feel so badly inside about yourself. It's hard to be sitting there going through your day, and then you are sideswiped by emotions that bring you down to tears that you try and stop endlessly! it would almost be like throwing up everyday in sickness profusely for no known reason.
I know one thing, the more and more I work with it, the more I am beginning to understand it more. it's been one of my biggest battles in healing. I have overcome many many things in my journey of healing in the past 5 years, this is one of the toughest to grab, understand, and push it out of the way. Something about it is really deep, and I think it's never going to go away until I find the true source of what brings it on everyday.
I don't wish this on anyone.. but at the same time, I am a fighter, and I do whatever I have to do to move through it. I reach out for support, I write in my blog, I have a wonderful support system, a wonderful husband and kids.
Today was a day that I won it for just one day.. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know one thing, It will show up, and I hope that tomorrow I will understand it a little more.
Some people live with fears, some people live with addictions. Some people live with phobias, some people live with deep depression or habits that are hard to break. Some people are sick with diseases, or cancer, or medical issues - 2 O'Clock is something I live with everyday and I think the day it leaves me and I have full control over it, is the day I see the FULL light in my path towards life.