If you would have told me when I woke up this morning that I would have walked into therapy today and shared something so dark and deep, I would have said "no way" - but I did! I did share something dark and deep. I made a new healing box, a new hope box for my healing journey - It's a part of the new journey going forward on this new path towards me, and it represents many things of healing, and my therapist also has a hand in it.
I brought it in and awe filled the room as he stood there and held it, cherished it as a part of the room, kept staring at it, looking at it, reading the words on it.
The new healing box found it's place in the room quickly with grace, and hope, with trust and connection that is stronger. Being with that new healing box was a great thing today, and I had no idea what was to come; a dark deep secret that I never thought the room would hear without hard work that it usually takes to move through somehthing this hard - but I moved through it, and the room heard it loud and clear.
I turned to my therapist and he knew something was pondering, and I just kept hearing him say "breathe" as I worked through whatever it was that was sitting there - my therapist grabbed both my hands and out came a deep secret that I held inside for a long time; one that I put away deep inside, and for some reason, it found it's way out today.
It founds its way out with no intention, it was just there, sitting at the surface, waiting to be honored, heard, and connected around.
The healing box, the awe-ness of that new path towards healing, the connection, the grace that filled the room with goodness. 2 people standing there looking at this healing box who have been working together for a long time - was it God? was it the energy that helped me move through something that has been tugging at my heart for a long time?
Was it the connection that allowed me to be with something so deep knowing that I was supported and cared for to move through it? Was it the caring look in my therapists eyes wanting to know "what is inside right now, talk about it?".. I think it's all of it, and I think God really moves us through things that he feels we are ready to move through, and today I was ready.
It's been a long time since I have opened a wound, and yet I don't miss how painful it is to open a wound, but this time around, it's different. It's different because the connection I have around this is a new kind of connection, a new kind of trust! I know that someone else holds this deepness, and I no longer have to hold this alone. I know I am supported, I know that my therapist knows how painful this is to let out and be heard.
When you let go of something so deep inside, your emotions surface around what you let out. The emotions around this truth is sitting there right on the top, and I am on the verge of a bursting of tears, or even a burst of joy as I am glad I am not holding it - both of which I am fully supported in.
And this is the good work of 5 years in my healing - my therapist said to me before leaving, "whenever you have a feeling inside of "shame" or "guilt" or "sadness" around what you shared - text me and just say "guilt, shame or sadness" and I will lift you up and assure you that I hold this, and it's not what defines you".
I sit here tonight and believe it or not, I am feeling something inside. I am feeling like God truly wanted me to hold one less thing in my heart. God knew I was ready, and just knowing that lifts me up! God is watching out for me, and he works through people like my support, my therapist and the people in my life.
I already had a burst of tears around this, and that is OK! Emotions are real and true, and right! It's showing me that it's OK to feel and have feelings about what I shared, and I know in those tears, I have the most wonderful support that God can offer all around me.
So where there was a beautiful healing box to add to the room today, the room also got truth, and another wound that opened.. but a wound that will certainly be closed with truth and be healed.