finding {grace} in {anger}

Sometimes we hold onto things that we need to let go of, and then there are things we hold onto that we need to hold onto - so that we can let go through healing. I worked through therapy today for 3 1/2 hours. 2 Hours in my usual Tuesday morning, and then he had me come back so we could work on something pretty big that was important!

I needed to make a decision about something. Something that was not good to hold onto. This was not healthy anger to hold onto. It was painful and hard, but something that I needed to do in order to let go.

I am finding that when you hold onto something that is not yours to hold, it's damaging to you, and damaging to your self worth.

My whole life was about taking what done to me, and holding it, and swallowing it, and it was stored in this pocket full of shame deep inside my body.

I was never able to come out and speak how I feel before. I was never able to OWN my feelings about anything. Half the time I was afraid to speak how I felt because I would be afraid it would hurt "their" feelings confronting them.

I always thought "well, it's easier to deal with it myself, than it is for me to tell someone how I Feel".

Today I am learning that it doesn't work very well like it once did. Holding onto something that is not mine to hold onto is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to choke - but yet your the one choking!

Today I cried and cried at the thought of confronting someone who hurt me. I had written up an email filled with hate and despair! It was one of the meanest emails I have ever written - but I didn't send it!

I showed up in tears during therapy and I was TORN in what to do. Do I hurt the person I need to confront and let this person stay connected and heal - or do I open up and be honest about how I feel, so that I am not holding it for once.

My therapist and I sat in a prayer in a hug.. I was sobbing, he was giving me this prayer that truly opened up the word of God in the room! how do I honor both? how do I speak my anger, and yet still be graceful about it?

It's not easy to find grace in anger is it? It almost seems impossible .. but I did it. I went home after a long long long day in session today - twice! eyes puffed out, face red, body exhausted! and I sat and I wrote. I wrote an email speaking my hurt and anger, and I was graceful about it.

The grace part came in words like "This is how I feel, you hurt me, but I am finding peace with this and moving on".

I am sure that is what God would do... and I truly believe that God was in the room today. I believe GOD had his hand on my therapist and I while we struggled to find the answer.

My therapist truly felt like it was damaging to hold onto my anger! I thought it was damaging to speak my truth.. we met in the middle.. and that is the work of beautiful healing, and beautiful therapy.


Tonight I breathe.. I spoke how I felt and I am moving on - moving on in the path where grace and anger meet and it's OK, it's the path to healing towards me.