I walked into session today feeling strong, but then my authentic feelings showed up in a way that was real and present. I sat with my therapist today as he held my hand the whole session; listening to the authenticity of my emotions, through connection in way I never thought I could speak before in session.
I was present, I was connected, I spoke, I felt, I reached out, I accepted support, I was true, I was honest, I was real, I was me and I - WAS - HEALING!
Sometimes we need to let the true self out, before we can cover it with strength. It's been a rough patch for me, but one that is truly coming together in the most amazing way that I never thought it could.
I have learned so much about who I am in this process. I have learned that when things get hard, you don't have to go back to the familiar to make it feel the way it did; you try on new things that make it stronger and better in the connection, just as it is now with my therapist and the people around me.
I have learned that the distortion I felt in my work in therapy, forced me to see another side of my support that made the connection "stronger" and more authentic. This process has taught me that I can open up to anything I have inside, and I am met with support, love, care and connection.
This process has shown me that I am authentic in everything I do. The way I write, the way I heal, the way I connect, the way I have compassion, the way I pull strength out of a hat that I never knew I had.
While sitting in session today I looked down at my hands, and saw the connection from the hands of the person I have been working with for over 5 years - who holds my story and knows who I am. Nothing has changed except I am stronger, and our work is stronger, because of this process.
It didn't feel good at first, but another thing I have learned is "you can't get to the light if you dont see dark".
I think this process has also allowed me to see another side to my healing that I never knew was there. The catalyst to this story brought my past to the forefront allowing me to see what those things were in the past that truly held me back today in my healing.
Like I said in my last blog entry, I have been told by many that something big is going to come from this rough patch I went through, and that big thing is, my healing, and my true self in my journey has been strengthen through trust, and "authenticity".
When this happens in my healing, it also allows me to be stronger in my life outside of my healing, with the people who surround me everyday.
This is healing .. I am healing .. and that is a beautiful thing - authnetic and real -- something no one can take from me no matter how hard "they" tried.