Tonight as I sit here thinking and reflecting deeply, I cannot help but think of the quote that was told to me a while back ago and that was: "God will restore what the enemy has taken"
How do you put your trust in that? How do you put trust into something that you can't see, but can only feel? How can you trust that it will be there in those moments of despair? it's not easy is it? It's not easy to believe that it's there, because we want to feel it now!
My favorite moments in my healing journey have been when something just clicks and no matter what you felt just moments before, or no matter what you have been up against; it cannot push through that "aha" moment you just had.
I love those moments that when you are in a bad place - something shifts and all of a sudden you understand it, you get it, and you smile even though you are in a painful place.
Those moments feel almost like a breath of fresh air just hit you - a cool breeze that swept away the hot feelings of your anger or even sadness.
I had one of those moments last week in therapy. I was sitting there in despair because I could not comprehend something that was going on that was so hard - and then something was said (most likely my therapists awesome wisdom). I looked him right in the eyes and said "I get it, I really get it". In that moment of I get it, the tears dried up instantly, my face felt less tense, my shoulder relaxed back to where they should be, my face went from hot to cool, the parma scowl on my forehead went away, and my eyes got lighter, and I felt lifted!
In that moment I stood up and gave my therapist a big hug, and I said again "I get it". I felt this surge of energy rush through me like I could go out and conquer the world. It's a feeling that I cannot describe, but one that makes you feel in total control.
I had this shield of hope over-fold me and no matter what was bothering me before, it vanished into thin air through understanding and knowledge.
I think those are the moments that God restores us. I think those are the moments that God see's your strength and says "OK, it's time to rest in that peace now; it's time for you to rest in the knowing. It's time for me to lift you up, so you can rest in the glory of the knowing".
I am sitting here tonight awaiting another one of those moments. Its almost like looking for another step to the staircase leading me to the place I need to rest.
I was given one step last week in that shift, and now I am looking for another; each step providing me with more hope than I had in the last step - eventually turning into a staircase of hope, and understanding. The staircase to which I can run up and down anytime I want knowing it's there filled with all the things I need to make it through good and hard times.
I am no doubt going through a hard time right now, but tonight my therapist said to me on the phone
"I dont know why, but for some reason I feel you are going to come out of this bigger and stronger than you were before, it's not going to be the same, it's going to be better, just right now it feels bad".
I have been working with Andy for 5 years now. I have put a lot of trust into him - tonight I am holding what he said close, and I am also holding close that "god will restore what the enemy has taken".
So I sit and wait for another step to appear; another one of those moments where I say "Ahhh I get it, I trust it" and then take another step towards the path called "me".
I await.. it's worth the wait - I am worth the wait.