One of the things that I promised myself when I started this blog about a year ago, was that I was going to be honest and true to my healing and my writing. The purpose to this blog is is healing through connection with others; finding grace all around me - finding the strength through that truth and wisdom that God has created inside of me.
This is one of those moments where I feel I need to be honest in order to heal.
Sometimes when you are speaking your truth for it to be heard, you hold yourself accountable to the truth; therefor wanting to be in connection while allowing others to surround you in that truth.
As alot of you have noticed, I have not been writing much. I guess you would have to say I took a break, but not one that I planned. It was more of an isolation break. I pulled away!
I have dealt with some things that have triggered me right back into my past. I have not felt these feelings in a long long time. In fact, I dont think I have felt this way since I was a child, that is how bad it was for me in this past month.
I am sure some of you who do see me, dont really see it, I guess you would have to say that a lot of my "coping skills" still work, but it's there, I am hurt, I am going through a hard time - and I will move through it.
The things that I have been going through in the past month have been much like feelings of being in the closet - alone in the closet - sitting in the closet! feelings of hyper-vigilance.
I have isolated from everyone around me. I have kept a few people close (Tracy, my therapist Andy, my friend Stacy, and my husband Tim) - but I have pretty much put a wall up to everyone else around me.
I have missed obligations, I even skipped going to Holy Week (one of my favorite times of the year). I have pushed people away, I have gone back into that dark place that I have not been in for a very long time - I even took a pain killer to relieve me of the pain I felt deep inside.
Today my therapist said to me "one thing I know about you is, you will move through this, we will move through this". I trust his words to me. If anyone has seen me go through and persevere through hard stuff it's my therapist - In fact I trust it so much that it has given me strength tonight to write this blog entry. Those words give me strength to look up and know that a hand is there, and people are there to walk along side of me, even in the dark.
I have no doubt that I will move through this hard place I am in right now. This is the first time I have been triggered by my past to this severity. I have always found strength through my truth and talking about my story, but never have I been in a place where I actually feel I am "back" in the past!
I feel as if I am in a maze and I am having a hard time finding my way out; everything looks the same but different. Things look distorted and I am trying to get a clear vision of it.
The difference? The difference in this is, I know that it's happening, I know what is going on, and better yet, I know why it's happening. I know where my support is, I know what I need to do to move through this, and I know that I have that strength inside to move forward, I just need to find the hand to get me up - and then I know where to go from there.
Back when I was a child, I didn't know any of this - it just was, and I took it day by day in the way that I was feeling. Today I have choices. Today I have choices to move through this because I know the 5 words "You can talk about anything".
Today I know that I have such a great support system. Today I know God is on my side. Today I know that I am a lot stronger than I was 5 years ago. Today I know that I will rise above, and I will find that light again - even in the dark.
I may feel as if I am sitting in the middle of the road right now waiting to get hit - but in real, I am sitting gathering strength to get up and fight again! That is what I do know! I am finding a way out of this, I wont give up, and I am not alone!