I texted my therapist Monday night after session and said to him "give me a one line thought for me to think about into the night before my session Tuesday" He responded back and said "When feelings and beliefs crash, how can you be true to yourself and God"
I have a huge issue with honoring it is how I feel. I let compassion, care and protection for others override how I truly feel inside.
I always felt it was a sin to feel anger, or hate towards anyone. I always felt it was wrong to have feelings and that you always have to love others no matter what was done to you.
If I ever did have moments of anger or any feelings, I would always want to take it back immediately and honor what it is that I need to do for God.
My therapist again has shown me true wisdom about emotions. God would never create emotions if he did not feel we should honor them. God would not give us emotions if they were not intended to feel and honor, or to learn from them.
I am usually afraid of my emotions for many reasons. I am finding it harder and harder to hide them behind walls - well, because I don't have many walls anymore, I have taken down those walls brick by brick, and they no longer provide me with comfort, but strength to face my fears head on.
His text back to me really made me think - it's a war between my beliefs and my emotions on how I really feel inside. I think that if I continue to protect others, and myself from feeling true emotions, I am going to be stuck in this place that I am at right now. I will continue to be in a place where I turn those emotions inward, and I end up suffering deeply inside; holding onto something that is not mine to hold.
With that being said, I finally have allowed myself to put my feelings first. Right now I am angry with someone and rightfully so. I am not going to sit here and feel as if I am sinning. God knows this person hurt me, and God gave me emotions for a reason, and I am angry!
I am angry that I was put in a position to where it has derailed my healing work for almost a MONTH now. I am angry that it feels as if my healing took a BLOW and I am now putting the pieces together one by one. Yes I have support to help me put it back together, but what I have learned in the past 24 hours is - I have a right to feel angry about that.
Right now it actually feels good to be angry! It feels good to be angry because I am not turning it INWARD anymore towards me. I am placing the anger where it belongs, and maybe if I honor those feelings, I may be able to "forgive" at some point.
I think that it's hard to forgive if you have never felt anger or hurt. How can you forgive someone if your not allowed to feel emotions?
I think my therapist has really made me see another side of emotions that I have never seen before. I was afraid to be angry, but I am learning more and more in the past couple of weeks that, it feels good to let it out!
yesterday in session I stood up and LET IT OUT! NO I dind't let it out as much as I could have, but I stood my ground and made it be known how angry that I am that this person who hurt me has derailed my work for WEEKS! I also let it be known that I am going to move on from this, because not only has God given me emotions to feel, but he has given me emotions to HEAL. He gives me strength FROM the emotions.
I am so grateful for my therapist Andy who gives me the wisdom that I cannot always see. He has taught me about learning to hear the "internal wisdom" and letting it drive you to healing. Sometimes he has to turn that switch on for me to hear it, and yesterday I heard it - God gave me emotions to feel, and sometimes those emotions have to take precedence over the beliefs.
Today I will show up again, and I will try and honor what it is I feel. I spent a lifetime holding in emotions that were not mine to hold, and today I am not going to do that to myself again.
I think God would be honored that I am healing through the strength that he has given me, including "feeling and honoring my emotions".