What would it feel like to be without reservation? I feel as if I am a person that is controlled by my own "securities" that i built inside since I was a child.
I walk around with a shield of hyper-vigilance. I am on constant radar mode from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep. I am constantly aware of my surroundings to the point of exhaustion. I am constantly in a state of wonderment.
I scan, I check the energy in every room I walk into. The moment people approach me I scan for safety, for mood, for connection, for acceptance.
A lot of people wonder why I do things "alone".. shopping, going out, being home alone sometimes - it's because it's less work for me to scan and be with the energy; it's easier for me to be alone sometimes.
I have to admit it has gotten a lot better since I have started therapy and learned to open up to people, but I often wonder, what would it be like to BE without ANY of those things I go through?
What would it be like to open up without ANY fear or reservation. What would it be like to open up without my everyday scanning or fears? what would it be like to walk around with no shield, no hyper-vigilance?
My typical therapy session consist of me walking in, putting my drink down, looking around the room, scanning for bad energy, scanning for good energy. I will stand there and scan my therapist before I give a hello side hug.
I will then walk around for a moment, scan the room a little more, and then finally sit myself on the couch next to my therapist. I will scan him once more before I say "HI" with a smile knowing that everything is OK.
Sometimes I will grab his hand and give him a hello pat on the hand to get started with connection. Sometimes the energy wont feel right, and I cross my arms until I can figure out what doesn't' feel safe.
This is my typical walk into therapy.. but what if I could walk in with no reservation? what if I could walk in and SKIP the whole scanning? Skip the energy check and just BE however I want to be?
I think about this all the time. I think about how people take every moment for granted sometimes; those people who can walk in and do whatever they need to do and not ever worry about being uncomfortable.
I also go through this with other parts of my life as well. When I walk into church I scan the room and the people around me before I engage. I stand from afar and check out the energy and how safe it feels for me. When I am talking to someone I have to stand a good amount of space away from them, if they get too close, I back away. I wonder what it would be like to not go through that.
When will the day come when I can be without any of that? When will I be able to accept and give a hug before scanning someone? When will I walk into my session and say "I am here, and THIS is whats wrong". or "I am here and I feel WONDERFUL, lets work around that!"
I am used to this routine, but I think a part of the growth I am going through is realizing how much I hate it, and how much I want to change that part of my life. I am excited that I am seeing this as something I no longer want to go through, because that means I am growing and seeing ME underneath it all.
I think this week I am going to give a try.. why not? I wonder what it would be like to BE .
This is a part of the renewal I was talking about.. and maybe just maybe I can try it and see what happens. It may be hard at first, but maybe if I try, that will be enough.