I wont lie, it has been a very tough couple of weeks, THIS has been a tough week! I have come up against some really hard things, some talked about, some not. I have been hurt by someone, and I have managed somehow yet again to find grace in that. I have managed to find the ultimate compassion in something that has been hard for me for over a month now.
God wants us to be compassionate as he was. God wants us to act justly, he wants us to be humble, and he wants us to walk and honor - I have done that this week.
I found strength and compassion in something that has hurt me, and I have used it to heal. I have taken that and I have learned from it, gained power from it, and it gives me a good sturdy foundation to walk on to move through my healing in a way that I have never moved through it before.
I hate that something like this was a catalyst for healing and learning, but sometimes that is what happens. We learn from the hard, and we somehow find grace in it - through it.
I sit and wonder sometimes that if I do the right thing, will good come back to me? I am almost afraid to think of that. I dont want God to think I am doing good to receive good.. but I honestly have the question in my mind "when will it be my turn".
Yes I will find grace and power in this, and it will help me to move forward, but when do I get that tingly feeling all over like FINALLY something good came from this for me. When will the work end to find more power and grace to move forward?
I am drained and I am tired! I just want God to say "REST" and I will take care of it from here. I am tired of finding my strength to go forward at times.. YES I will continue to move forward and heal.. but sometimes I am just drained!
I am tired of these side things I come up against being a catalyst to my strength! Is there something out there that feels good that I can learn from?
I say this to my therapist all the time, and that is - I want some goodness - not to much to ask for right? .. just some goodness.
So today I sit here and I am drained and tired, and I am not feeling very happy! BUT I do know grace is around the corner waiting for me.. I just need to accept it, and I need to accept that when it comes, it's because I helped it come.