Something that I have slowly learned to trust over the years is "commitment". I never knew what it was, or how to trust and accept a commitment. It's been foreign to me for years and years. This morning in therapy my therapist and I did a "pinkie swear" - a commitment to stay true and grounded, that were followed by the words "we will move through this together" with commitment and trust, trusting the process of healing.
It gave me hope, it gave me a sense of worth that someone is committed to helping me see my path as I see it, that I dont have to do this alone and that my path is laid out for me with room for others to walk with me.
It gave me a sense of trust today that someone is committed to seeing that I am being honored as a person; a person who wants to be strong and heal, that respects the path I am on with all it's bumps and detours.
I had a lot of tears this morning in session; more commitment to myself to be true to my emotions no matter how much I hate emotions and tears, but it was there inside and I honored it.
This is a hard place - commitment to myself, others from my past, and to my therapist in trusting his word in my healing.
Commitment works both ways. 5 years ago I committed myself to healing; to do whatever it takes to move through the trenches of my past, the pain and the hurt. I made a commitment to myself to push through whatever walls I built since I was 5 years old. I guess you would have to say I did a "pinkie swear" with myself.
There are times I let myself down. I build walls where I don't need to build walls that prevent me from being authentic in my commitment to heal. However, the important part is, I realize when I am building walls, I reach out for support, and accept the commitment back to me.
One thing that I sometimes do in therapy when I get flustered and filled with emotions is, I will say to my therapist "ask me a question".. He knows when I say that, that it means I need to get something out, but not sure how to get it out.
He asked me 3 questions, and the weird thing is? He asked "the right" questions. It was just what I needed to get out - that is the commitment of trusting and healing. I trusted to ask the question, and committed to answering back.
Today I left hearing those 5 words "We can talk about anything" - "You can talk about anything".
Today, I am going to take some time to think about how to honor me this week. How can I make room for me and move through this with grace, and perseverance; to get back on my path which can hold room for both.
I was shown again today that the commitment stands true... and I trust it.