"You can talk about anything". Those 5 words are the words that my therapist reminds me of almost on a daily basis - through connection and support. I have come to love those 5 words! I have come to accept those 5 words, I sometimes look forward to those 5 words, and better yet, I have learned to trust those 5 words.
When I hear those 5 words it gives me an opening to freedom I never had.
I was silenced as a child, I never thought I could open up about what was going on inside, or to talk about what was going on with me.
I spent my whole life with the message inside "don’t tell" or "you can't talk about any of this" - Of course those words "you can talk about anything" were foreign to me.
My therapist would say it over and over, but those words hit a wall and bounced back to him. The wall was so strong that it was hard to believe those words without a fight to get there.
Earlier years in therapy those words "you can talk about anything" were just words with no meaning. I would speak the words of what was inside, but it was an action, not something I felt I could have or own as something that was mine.
One day, about a month ago before leaving session I finally got it, and accepted it! I turned around before leaving and said "I can talk to you about anything right?" I don’t think I ever saw a smile on his face as I did that day. It clicked, I got it, and better yet, wanted it.
Yes 5 years of therapy and you would think I got the message. I would talk, but not without a fight! I would talk about my past, but not without going through this chain of events called "anxiety", or like we called it "the weight of silence".
I would talk in therapy, but never thought I deserved to talk. I always felt as if I was doing something "bad" or "wrong" and it was gut wrenching to move through it.
Today, I finally get it! I know I can talk about anything! I know when I walk through those doors, and sit in my space, those 5 words apply - "You can talk about anything".
I get chills now when I say it. It's an open invitation to let out whatever it is I am holding. I don’t have to hold onto anything anymore.
I won’t lie, even knowing those 5 words still comes with it consequences and risks, and it's painful at times, but I know it's mine and I know I am fully supported in those words.
I know when I sit next to my therapist and open up, no matter how hard, painful, easy, joyful, heart wrenching or funny with laughter - a hand is there, compassion is there, an ear is there, wisdom is there, and hearing the words "ITS OK".. and "You can talk about anything" is there.
I think back to my childhood and realize how isolated I really was. I held EVERYTHING inside! Everything is a lot for anyone to hold. Hearing those 5 words are the medicine to my soul!
Hearing those 5 words is like a "cup of self-love". I am giving myself the self-love every time I honor those 5 words.
I have used those 5 words not only in therapy, but also to the people I am surrounded with. I know I can go to my priest or deacon and talk about anything. I know that I have friends who I hold close that I can just text or pick up the phone and say what I need to say. I am more open with my children and even GOD!
Other words that are followed by those words are "we will work it out" and "we will do what we do best, talk about it".
Even writing those words it's comforting! I have never had these options in my life before - it feels good and painful at the same time, but it's always followed by some kind of relief; to not hold all that is inside.
When I need to reach out for connection, I hear and say to myself "you can talk about anything"... and it helps me to reach out when I need to. Sometimes I have to say the words a couple of times to remind myself of what is there for me - connection is there, I am worth it.
Today I needed to hear those words, and I did. I feel connected and I know that no matter how hard of a time I am going through, I have those 5 words. Those words are the key to my self-worth, self-love, and give me a gentle place to land; right into connection.
This is a part of my healing ... towards myself, god, and everyone around me in the way that God intended me to be - free from the walls that used to bind me.