It is not often that I admit that I am having a hard time or not doing OK. I am the type of person that will always see the smallest ray of sun even in the worst of black clouds and storms. I will always dance in the rain, and see the goodness in the bad.
I will always find my strength in the weakness no matter what I am up against - today I am not finding that strength, and today was a day filled with a sea of emotions that found me out of no where and IT HURT!
I was driving to session, and something just tore me up inside out of no where and I started crying in the car. I was driving down the highway and I couldn't even breathe, or see where I was going. Tears were filling up my eyes faster than I could wipe them away!
In that moment, I called my mom while driving and said to her "I am scared of you dying"! I let my emotions be known to my mom on the phone even though she couldn't talk due to a nurse being at her house giving her a bath.
I arrived at my therapist office a little earlier than I thought, and I sat in the car and just CRIED! I could not stop.
The tears would stop for a moment, and then they came back again just as bad in just seconds. I kept trying to wipe my face so it wouldn't be seen - but these tears could not be hidden - not this time.
I went into therapy, and right away he saw my face, gave me a hug and said with his compassionate supportive voice "whats wrong?, talk to me". I hardly EVER show up with tears. It's hard enough to get me to open up and show my emotions in session; never mind showing up with them.
I am always Miss optimistic and powerful me always wanting to find strength and not the weakness. I want to the be the Karen who shows up and says "lets read my blog, I wrote something that was powerful for my healing".. not today!
I sat there on the couch and wrapped myself with my own arms and I opened up about the hurt. The hurt was about being pulled into a thousand directions emotionally. The hurt was about me being in this hard place when just a month ago, I was so empowered no one could even get close to me without getting zapped!
I sat there and cried! cried in all my emotions! I was even asked "what do you need in this moment? Do you need a hug? a hand? connection? .. I said "a shoulder".
My therapist said something that lifted me a little and that was - "if I was going through what you are going through right now in the place you are at with your mom and all that you are holding with other things, I would cry too". He said that with a little bit of tears in his eyes, and I accepted that it was REAL and TRUE and OK - no matter how bad it felt.
He also said to me "you never knew what it was like to find strength in emotions, this is powerful showing me your emotions, not weakness".
I am going through a lot right now. I have made a lot of decisions that throw me off my path, but it's the right thing to do. I am struggling, and I say that no with shame anymore! I am confused and unsure, I am wanting more than anything to get back where I was. I keep reminding myself of what I said last weekend and that is "patience, it will pass".
My mom's surgery is scheduled out to May 4th. Now that it's a month out, I am flying up there May 2nd till the 6th. This is scary, there is a good chance she will not make it.. the odds are not great - even the surgeon called and said "are you sure, this is really risky".
I am making a lot of decisions right now, putting my own path aside for others. I keep telling myself "I can heal from this, but right now I need to honor this where I am at in this moment".. but it hurts, yet I am doing the right thing!
There are some other things going on that I am not open to talk about that is also going on at the same time - I do have support around it, and it's another thing I will get through, but right now it's HARD.. truly hard!
Tonight I sit here and think about the hard day. I woke up feeling horrible, I knew something wasn't right the moment I woke up. I knew it was going to be a hard day.. but I am also thinking to myself "maybe tomorrow will be a whole new day".
I do have wonderful connection this weekend. I have friends who want to take me out for some much needed down time. I have a wonderful husband who is amazing and always supports me in anything I am going through.
I have wonderful kids who surround me with love. I have a wonderful therapist who said he will connect and check in with me this weekend anytime I need it. Then there is GOD who will provide me when the time is right.
Tomorrow maybe God will provide and give me a day of rest for my soul. I am not asking that he take it away; just a day to where I can handle it with a little more grace and peace, so it's not so hard on my heart.
A sea of emotions showed up today - I cried - I cried alot - My heart is hurting today - I am not strong today and that is OK.
What I know is, Connection is everything. I have learned that - so if anything I know I have connection even in the hard days.
I thank God for at least giving me people I can surround myself with in these hard moments like today.