My mom is having surgery within the week (possible this week), and I will not be able to make it up there in time before her surgery. It's one of those things where it's out of my hands, and I have absolutely no control over it.
This is a part of the truth of why this past weekend took me and shook me to the core! My heart is broken, completely broken. I am lost in what is going on, and I am trying to stay grounded as much as I can through this.
In the past week or so, I have taken the steps and decision to put aside all that I hold inside, and honor my mother in this very hard time she is going through to do the right thing, and I can't even do the right thing.
I CAN HEAL - MY MOM IS DYING! and I cannot make it to see her before she goes into this surgery that could take her life.
I cannot go sit and be with her, knowing that there is a 50/50% chance that she will not come out alive. Everyone will be there with her holding her hand except for me, and it's killing me!
My mother called me over the weekend and we talked a few times today, and asked me if I could come up, lie with her in bed, and watch our movie "Somewhere in Time". Imagine my heart when she asked me of that in her broken up voice, like it was her last wish.
She said to me "I really wish you could come up here and be by my side, I am really scared.
I cannot be by her side and mend what I wanted to mend. I cannot go up there and give her one last hug of hope, even though worlds separate us. I cannot go up there and hold her hand and assure her that God is with her. I cannot go up there, sit by her side and say "I forgive you for all that was done or not done".
Life has made it clear that it will not happen, and I will have to honor that just as I honored doing the right thing.
My HEART IS BROKEN!
Tears found me at every angle this past weekend when I found out what was not possible, and that is why I had a very tough weekend. I was holding the fact that I cannot be there to have that one last moment with my mom if she does not make the surgery.
The past two weeks have been about putting aside the hurt I feel inside to mend what was broken. I have the chance to open and close wounds of my past, I am working on the timeline doing just that.. I know where my path is, but when it comes to something so fragile like life, you hear God and you "DO the right thing".
I can heal, she is dying!
The surgery that she is having is very riskful. The doctors look at it this way - you either fight to win or fight to die. Miracles do happen, and whether it shows up or not, they have to take the risk.
My mom has come to terms with what is about to happen to her. She is at peace with God, and the people around her.. but I think a part of her feels that her and I are not where we should be, and I too feel the same way.
Every moment that I think about this, my heart sits in my throat.
I have let my mom go a long time ago.. but for some reason, there is one thing holding on, and I have yet to figure out what that is.
A huge part of my healing has always been "opening a wound, and healing it shut with truth".. the wound of my mom has yet to be opened fully, and now, how can I close it with truth when something is missing? and what if I never get the chance. I will have to close that wound with "hope or a wish or grief", or it may be a wound that I will never be able to shut.
I have ANGER inside, I have BITTERNESS.. but I also have compassion and LOVE.. because that is who Karen is! that is who God made me to be.
I can heal, she is dying!
I told my therapist today with tears in my eyes! "I don't want my mom to die".. regardless of what was done, not done, or what I never had, or what was done to me". I am not ready to lose her. I LOVE HER, and I don't know what to do.
I have lost so much in my life, I don't know if I am ready to lose something that I feel I should have had my whole life! I dont want this to be another thing taken from me that I cannot get back.
I am HEARTBROKEN but there is NOTHING I can do!
The movie "Somewhere in Time" was our movie. I would come to her house, sit in bed, and watch it with her. We have never watched it without each other. It's the only tie that I have with my mom as being the only TRUE bond we hold. It's the only thing that reminds me of the good moments between us.
She is going to watch it before she goes into surgery, and I myself will watch it as well. It will probably be the hardest thing I have ever done seeing I have never watched it without her. But I will at least honor that.
I don't know what is going to happen to my mom.. God only knows. My hope is that by the both of us watching this movie seperate, that something will bind us back together in that moment.
Tomorrow we find out when the surgery is this week, and then I pray from there. I have the most amazing support through this, and I have open arms everywhere through this process this week.
My therapist told me over and over again today "whatever happens, we will work through it, and get you through it no matter what!".
This is truly a hard moment for me.. but I know no matter what, I will heal, I will heal if she dies, I will heal if she lives. I will heal for me, and I will heal for where I want to go.. but for now. My timeline still awaits, my true self still awaits there for me.. but right now, I will show up and just be what I need to be this week.
I will sit and watch "Somewhere in Time" and hope that somewhere in time I will find something that will bring us back together.. whenever, or wherever that is.
I love you mom... no matter what happens.