I certainly have had some trying moments this week, along with some good hard moments. This week has been about honoring, being with the hard, accepting support, reaching out, connecting, and learning how to be still while still moving.
I have had compassion in places I didn’t think I could have compassion. I have had anger that I never realized I had. I have had moments of joy in the hard. I have had tears when I didn’t realize the hurt was there. I have had moments of not knowing what to do in tough decisions.
My therapist and I talked today about all the things that I have been through this week, and he said and asked me “Karen, what do you need?” “What is it that you need for you?”
When I am asked that question, I almost feel frustrated, because the things I need, are not possible at this moment. I also sometimes hate the question because needing is a “dependency” thing I struggle with – but today I actually could answer the question - a HUG! “I need a hug!”
I myself was completely “shocked” when the words came out of my mouth!
I have had my support hug me, I have given big hugs to everyone I appreciate; I have accepted and given hugs at church. I smother my boys with hugs and kisses. I give and take hugs from my husband.. but never have I said “I need a hug!”, and freely accept it for “me” and I did.
I needed a hug today. I needed a hug because I wanted to feel something from the hardness I have gone through these past couple of weeks. I needed a hug because my heart needed it!
This week has been about moving through decisions and honoring what I feel I need to do going forward. I opened up with my mom and let her in a little more. I accepted what is right in front of me and what I need to do.
This weekend, I stay connected. I stay home for once this weekend besides church just relax – relax in the knowing of where I am, and what I need to honor. I write, I be, I breathe, and I continue to love myself a little more each day.
I keep doing what I am doing. I keep moving along and I keep honoring the path I am on even if it’s changed a little. I will continue to watch the light grow brighter; honor it if it goes dim.
I take a hold of the things I have control over, and use it as best as I can to go forward and heal.
I will continue to write and stay connected because that is healing!
Although a hard hard week, I cannot help but sit here and smile a little. I smile a little because even in the hard; in the sitting, I know I am still moving even though it doesn’t feel like it, and I am truly blessed for those who are by my side.