Today is my usual day off from therapy and all the things that I normally do on a day-to-day basis. Although the work of healing never ends, I try and give myself one day a week to really focus on my inner self and my soul, and the weekends I allow myself to be in that reflection.
This is a day that I try and give myself a day of silence and peace. I love to have days alone where I can sit and reflect within, without anyone around.
I sometimes go to church and do an hour of adoration. I sometimes go to the park and sit in the prayer garden. I sometimes read, or write some poems. I sometimes just lie in bed and take a well-needed nap while my boys are at school.
Last night I got an email from my therapist checking in. He wanted to know if I would come in on my day off and accept the extra support at hand; work with the toughness of these decisions I had to make.
He knows how I feel about my "days off”. For me to come in on a day that is not planned is a huge step forward for me. I like my boundaries, but I also know "hey, this is for me, not for anyone else".
I have an issue with depending on people. I don’t like it. The moment I start feeling slightly dependent on people, I back away. There is no feeling that I hate more and that is the feeling of "needing". I cannot even think about the word "needing" or "depending" without wanting to run and grab a tight hold on my independence that I so much WORE my whole entire life.
Everyday that I show up in my healing, it's for me and no one else. Everyday that I work hard in my blog, it's for me to heal, but to also help others in seeing the possibility of healing. Everyday that I take a moment of peace, its for my healing and for me. I spent a lifetime doing for others, so you can imagine that having my "independence" is a huge part of my healing.
When I got married to my husband, the first thing I said to him was "you will not tell me what to do, we are equal, and if you have a problem with me doing what I want to do, than this will not work out". Needless to say, my husband was not the controlling type, nor the type to tell me what to do, because 20 years later, and I am still happily married. My husband and I treat each other equal, and my marriage is very happy.
Accepting support and reaching out have been struggles for me. In the past year I have really learned to accept it more and more. I am learning that there is more power in reaching out and accepting support, than there is retreating and trying to do it alone.
I replied back to my therapist and said Yes, I will show up! No matter how hard this feels in crossing my own boundaries, yes! No matter HOW much I feel I am sitting right now, I am going to HONOR ME and show up, because when did I ever have that chance? So YES, I will come in on my day off".
I showed up today, in the "sitting". I showed up just as I felt. Messy bun hair, face red and bloodshot eyes from a tough night because I had a long talk with my mom on the phone that was emotional. I didn't brush my teeth or shower for the day. I showed up JUST as I felt, and I will say this, I AM GLAD I SHOWED UP!
Today I am sitting here, and I realize these are the moments that matter the most. Showing up just feeling like SHIT! Showing up in the hard place that I am in, and just being OKAY with that. Being OK with where I am right at this moment, being ok with just BEING! and that is OK.
I realize I spend so much time wanting to keep going to the light, but never sit and honor what is getting me to the light.
My therapist told me today, he said " go post a blog today and say how you feel". "Write an email to me tonight and I want you to just SCREAM out that anger, no filtering" - "you be YOU no filtering, because you are truth, and you are healing, you help others to heal through your blog, you are Karen, and have a big voice, No matter where you are in this journey sitting or standing, you have my support 10000%".
I stood up after our talk and I was all pumped up in the chest, not breathing, saying - "I can do this"!
I realized today that I am actually moving in the SITTING. I am actually moving while not moving! HOW POWERFUL IS THAT?
I am sitting here, I am emotional about my mom, I am emotional about decisions I have to make, I am ANGRY, I am frustrated, but I am OK. I know that I am moving forward, by honoring sitting, and just being and that is OK.
I never thought it could be possible to be angry and happy at the same time. I never thought it was possible to be powerful and weak at the same time. I never thought it was possible for me to accept extra support and still hold my independence! I never thought it was possible to move through healing, and not move at the same time - wow!
Today is a powerful day, and his Wisdom made me see that I am moving in the sitting, it just doesn't feel like movement, but I am.
This healing journey has taught me that all the different paths I take, both hard and good are worth it!
I have come a long long way, and I see the light, and I will continue to, even if it's fading at times! I need to be ok with the feeling of not always being on top of it. I dont have to close the wound shut right away, it will eventually heal so I can go to the next.
Thank you Andy for giving me the courage today to write how I feel in this moment, and to find power in the sitting! As you said, "keep doing what you are doing, keep writing how you are writing, and keep healing like you are healing". It’s all-powerful!