Today in session I had some big anger and some big words about choices having to be made, decisions having to honor, and knowing where it will take me. Finally after breaking the anger, and sadness inside of what I need to do, I gave in! I sat with my therapist shoulder to shoulder, put my head on his shoulder, he put his head on my head, and we sat in silence, knowing what this all meant.
5 years of working with all the different paths, all the great paths, all the hard paths, all the unexpected paths, and here is a path that takes me away from the height of my healing, and we both know this is going to be the toughest! I need to face my past once again in a very difficult way.
I was then reminded that I have not rested my head like that in a very long time. I have been fighting a battle, wanting to always be so strong in session and outside session!! Moving from one hard thing to the next, wound to wound, and here I am, resting before something so big!
As we sat there like that, he told me a story from the bible about Jesus finding his strength in the harder path. The story was so beautiful that I found peace in that moment. The heaviness of my chest went away, and in that moment I accepted that "this is what I need to do", and I found that I could breathe.
Sitting there knowing this, both of us saying with little laughter - "well this sucks".. but also knowing deep inside, if I can get through what I have been through, I can get through this - and I will!
I also have the support of my dear friend Tracy. I also have the support of my wonderful husband, and most of all, I have GOD. God who gives me strength through all things.
My mother is having surgery with only a 50/50 odd chance that she will make it through. The doctors pretty much told her that she is going to die if she doesn't do it, and the odds of her making it are slim, but worth the risk.
They need to remove a mass in her stomach the size of a basketball, and then they have to do 2 other operations on top of that. Given the condition of her health, it's going to be such high risk, that they don't even know she will make it off the table.
The doctors put it this way. Either she is going to wake up to us, or she is going to wake up to her mother in heaven. Not very good odds.
They sent my mom home for 2 weeks to gather her thoughts, live life as much as she can in these 2 weeks, and then she goes back in for surgery at the Lahey Clinic.
She sent me an email over the weekend stating her wishes for a burial instead of cremation! my heart sank and I SOBBED at my desk with my head down in total despair! Imagine getting an email like that? my heart was broken, and at the same time I was angry!
You have ME who is a child of God. I am loving and caring and compassionate and care about people so much
Then you have ME who is healing for the first time in her life! you have that little girl from the age 5 up until 5 years ago who SUFFERED in silence and pain. I was neglected, I was beaten, I was ignored, and abused. I was thrown into a room alone while my mother slept away my whole life.
You have ME who has never been supported in my pain and suffering. You have ME who has put everyone else first in her life, and finally has put herself first for ONCE.
Where has my mom been my whole life while I suffered in pain? I even asked for help, I got NOTHING!
Then you have ME, the compassionate one who is sitting here saying "do the right thing, support your mother in whatever she needs". "put aside the hurt again, and do the right thing".
ANGER, CONFUSION, RESENTMENT, PISSED, FRUSTRATED - yes all of those things, and rightfully so!
Then you have my mother, who is scared, who is going through many emotions inside. My mom who is pretty much almost on her death bed, and may be thinking of a million things she wished she did right. My mom is in pain and she is suffering, and my compassion comes out in a huge huge way! I cannot imagine what is going through her mind, wondering if this will be her last week left on this earth, and what can she make right in the wrong?
I talked to my mom on the phone in tears, again her not wanting me to cry. I stooped to my lowest and I asked her to "write me a letter". Her answer was "I don't know if I can, but I want you to know I love you and I am proud of your accomplishments"
Of all the things I have done in compassion and understanding, my one wish is still too much to ask for.
Putting that hurt aside, I still am going to honor my mom and do the right thing.
I am possibly going up to NH next weekend just for the weekend and I am going to face my past once again. I am going to sit and have a talk with my mom. I am going to make the wrong right, even though it's not my wrong to make right.
When I came home from my last visit, I left a huge part of the fear and walls up there so I could come home to heal. I feel as if I am going back up into the WALLS and FEAR and that is so hard to honor.
I have been on this path towards me strong for 2 months! I have never felt so empowered in my healing, and here I am, facing yet another obstacle and possibly facing losing my mother.
One of the things I cried about on the phone with her, was when I said "what happened to us mom?".. she was silent as she always has been, and I just wanted to hear "I'm sorry".
This could be the last time I see my mom, and I will face the "brothers" of my past as well when I am up there. We have some decisions to make. This is truly a lot to ask of someone who has TRULY been wronged in her life, and all she is doing is trying to heal.
"Do the right thing".. goodness will come to me, I know it, because I trust God and all who is around me. I know I am fully supported in this. I know I am not alone.
My hope is that this will make me stronger. My hope is that maybe some wrongs will be made right.
I am not ready to lose my mother, I am still holding onto something and I don't know what it is... but what i do know is, when I get back, regardless of what happens, I will walk towards me again.. the light is not out, it's just slightly dimmed!
I have the most amazing support, and I have never lost sight of that. As I was reminded today by my therapist, I am going to have to accepting LEANING on my support, just as I did today in session - head on the shoulder, resting in that peace to what I need to do.
I love you mom, regardless of what was done to me, and what I have been through. I am doing the right thing, because deep inside, I still love you no matter what!