Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak. For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it - I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds.
Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak.
I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to "tension" in my work, and the people around me.
I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my "rougher moments".
I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I run when I feel a need for help, or extra support.
I get defensive and start putting up my shields, so that I can run and tend to myself not having to worry about dragging anyone else into my misery that I am feeling at the moment.
Today, going into session on the heels of writing that very hard write about my mom last night, I was having a tough time. I had a rough night sleeping, I was feeling guilty for how hard of a time I have had this week. I felt horrible for exposing my mom as I did, but at the same time it's my pain, and I need to heal, but it still hurt.
When I got there today, the energy in the room wasn't good, I was picking up off energy all around me, I was defensive and hyper vigilant, expectations for both of us were not met that we both thought were there, and it caused a "tension".
I was reminded today that tension is bound to happen when you work so long together and on very hard hard stuff, and this is some very hard stuff.
Normally when this happens, I would shut down, get quiet, swallow it, and disconnect and tend to my own wounds later - Today however was different. Today I made a change, today I chose "connection and support" over "disconnection and isolation".
I stood up in my anger and defensiveness, he stood up in his frustrations of not knowing what was there and why, and the tension was broke! We both stood on the edge of disconnection, and decided to turn, talk, solve, and not allow disconnection to take me.
I finally allowed myself to say "I NEED SUPPORT" in this weak place! I did not run to the corner and lick my own wounds. I finally accepted that I can have people around me that love and support me and not run off to tend to the weakness and only be accepted in strength!
I AM WORTHY EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS!
We sat and talked about it for 90 minutes, found where the tension was, found why I was defending myself, figure it out, worked it through, I accepted, I cried, I found my voice, I read the blog from last night that I wrote, I figured out what I was trying to do, we connected, and I moved through it.
I realized today that I am worthy even in my weakness to those around me. I don’t always have to be this strong person who heals all the time. I dont have to be this person who has to SMILE when I dont feel like smiling! I realized today I am just as strong in this tough week I had, as I was strong a month ago.
I gave up my independence that I am so adimient about, and I allowed being dependent on someone today.
I said the words "I NEED SUPPORT".. 3 words I hardly ever ask for.
Celebration and Accomplishment!
We laughed about our growlness! We got up and both did a dance together, it was actually pretty funny and embarrassing, but I felt happy in that moment!
Today I am sitting here with a smile on my face because now I don’t have to go run into a corner and lick my wounds in my independence. NOW I am accepting support from everyone around me - today is the first day I don’t feel guilty for "needing" support.
I may still feel sad about my mom and what I wrote last night, and I may still be at a tough patch right now with my emotions, but today is different because I am allowing myself to be OK with that, and allow and accept support in "connection"
Celebration and accomplishment!
Today, I smile