Letting Go . . .

At some point in our life, we all let go of something - there cannot be life, without letting go of something or someone. We let go of old things we held onto, we pack them up in boxes and store them away, and we forget about them. We let go of friends that go their own way, as we go ours. We let go of people we love that have passed on. There are some things that are easier to let go than others, and there are some things that are devastating, and sometimes those devastating things are the hardest to get through. Those moments seem like endless pain and suffering, like the pain has no end. People always say, "time heals all wounds".. I am one that truly believes that, but I am also one that believes that letting go of something that has molded you to be who you are today; takes alot more than just time. It takes courage, and faith, hope, and goodness, and it takes pain. It may get easier, but it also comes with it's hard work in forming the person you have to be without that something inside you held onto for so long. It's not just about letting go, but about learning how to be without what you have held on.

I think it angers people when others say "time heals all wounds" when your feeling such pain -  it feels like a mocking; to almost discount how you are supposed to feel. When something has been so devastating that you have held onto it for 30+ years, no words can make it feel less painful. It's hard no matter what you say, what you do, or how hard you work through it - especially when you have spent your whole life holding on. Sometimes time can't heal the wounds, it's you inside that has to heal... sometimes there is no time frame.. it can be in a couple of days, it can takes 50 years.. it's about how you heal from it, and how you learn to be without that something you are holding onto.

Then there comes the pivitol moment that you finally realize that you have to let go.. when you realize that, its absolultey devistating.. you feel numb and weak, you feel emotional and in a dark place, you feel like there is no end to the pain. But you need to let go, because when you let go, you open youself up to be the person you need to be without it. It's like opening a door that has emotions that were trapped inside for so long, and you need to talk about it from yourself; from your heart.. not the something inside you have been holding all your life. There comes a time when that something you are holding onto, just becomes too heavy, that you have to put it down and free yourself from what you hold inside.

When you let go of someone you love, you move on from that, because you don't see their physical presence anymore, so time fades.. time does allow you to miss that person. Yes times heals the pain, but it takes time. But when you are letting go of something that was a part of you, that WAS you? when that happens, it takes alot more than time, because you have to learn to be without that something that was YOU.  

I dont think  I have ever had to do anything as hard as this.. it's painful and vulnarable, it takes alot of courage and faith.. it takes God to help you move through it, and honestly, as powerful as God is, even he cannot do it for you. It's also taking a risk; a risk that you are going to be able to move through this with hope that on the other side, you can survive letting go - especially knowing this is something that you have had since you could remember as a child.

For me, this is not only about "letting go".. it's about "letting out" .. letting out what the holding onto has kept inside. I spent my whole life doing for others, holding onto for others.. but then I realize that i just can't do it anymore for anyone else, I need to free alot of things that the holding onto has kept inside, and that in itself is painful, hard and takes alot of courage to move through.

Like my Tattoo says on my neck "Faith, Courage, Wisdom".. Faith that leads me to let go, Courage to do the process, and the wisdom I have learned along the way to make this possible.. and that wisdom came from "her".