Yesterday in session we talked a little about this weekend and what connection looked like. We talked about what it would look like to write about something that wasn't work, but yet very uplifting and healing in a "resting" kind of way.
This morning, I woke up to an email from my therapist, with connecting thoughts, reflecting words about the great hard work this past week has been about. Words with some goodness and some thoughts about our work and going forward, and also wanting to know how my Saturday morning was.
It was very uplifting - but then, sitting at my desk, I looked out the window for a moment, and I just CRIED! I cried, and I had no idea where in the world the tears came from!
It was as if this email I got this morning hit the "release valve button" and out came feelings I didn't even realize I had this morning - almost like what happened this past Tuesday.
I woke up, feeling strong! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, fell asleep once the storms calmed down, with laptop in my lap (working on a blog writing that I never ended up finishing) - I felt like I had more energy to go forward and do something great this morning! I had no idea what was about to come.
The words this morning was almost as if I was given the OK to say what I need to say, but not trying to be so strong. Feel how I feel and not trying to be so strong.
As I sat here and cried, I thought about my writing. I have never sat with my blog and talked about the feelings I am having "IN" the moment.
I may write about something I did and what the outcome was. I may write about my strength and how every piece of work I do gives me a foothold. I may write about good thoughts I have, or I will write about what I see coming for me, and how I am truly walking the path towards me - strong strong strong!
- But rarely have I sat here and written "this is how I feel right now" - true and raw.
This morning I think was a release of the hard week I had. I am constantly on the go, working hard in my healing, volunteering my time at the church, trying to make time for church mass during the week, running here and there for people, being with hard wounds in my blog writing, working for an organization for trauma victims, being a mom, a wife, not having much time for me, not sleeping well all week (breathe).
This morning, reading that email of support telling me "it's OK to open up about what is there even in your blog".. it just turned that valve and out came all that I felt inside from this past week, and it gave me the OK to write about it in this very moment.
The girl behind the blog had tears. She's not feeling as strong as she thought this morning, but it's OK. I am learning more and more that when I honor my emotions like I did this past Tuesday in session, that is gives me room for goodness - just as it did this morning.
Right now, I feel a little more room, and maybe I can take that room and go do something for myself. I can take that room and fill it with stuff that makes me happy (spending time with my boys, going out with a friend to get a pedicure, maybe go the mall and buy a cute shirt, or maybe go to the park, and sit and enjoy the beautiful weather, maybe go to dinner with Tim tonight) - maybe I can do ALL of those things.
It makes room for me to be connected, it makes room for me to be whatever it is I want to be. I think that email served a purpose, a good purpose! I am surrounded by wonderful people, and although I cried and feel sad, it's OK because it's truth!
I cried this morning, for me.. and it was OK