I woke up this morning and felt like I could breathe a little easier. I felt a sense of goodness like I am in the right place, and that what happened yesterday in “being with my emotions” was what needed to happen.
I always talk to my therapist about “waiting for the day to be done this journey in healing”. Waiting for the day that I come in maybe once a month to check in, or waiting for the day that I am on my own path knowing that I am fully healed and I am fully ”restored”.
There have been times that I would sit there and say “by the end of the year I want to be done therapy, I want my own path, I want to be healed and move onto the next chapter in my life, no matter where life takes me.
Yesterday, I actually listened within, and listened to my therapist when he said “we need to slow down and honor what is here”.
I always want to keep going, and keep running to the next thing to get closer to my own path no matter how hard the works is. I am always thinking about the next step, even though the first is not finished. I get excited when I can move through things no matter how hard or how heart wrenching.
I want more than anything to be done this part of my journey. This is hard hard work. It’s not easy showing up and doing all the healing work that I do. It can be painful, it can be frustrating, and it can be confusing at times. However I know deep within that this is where I need to be, that I am at the right place, and I cannot rush the process.
I cannot rush the healing. You can’t pick the scab of a wound and expect it to heal quicker, and I am trying to see that and honor that – but when you have a day like yesterday, both honoring and hard, you wonder how you will have the energy to show up and work hard again.
I woke up this morning feeling lifted, but a little anticipated and anxious about what the day will bring.
One of the best things about this healing journey I have been on is being able to tell my therapist when I don’t want to work. I remember a while back ago, I came into session and said, “I don’t want to work today” and he said “OK let’s not work, let’s just talk about whatever it is you want to talk about, anything that makes you happy, your thoughts or about your boys, or about your church, or talk about God or the bible, – its’ your place in this journey, whatever feels good for you and I want to hear about it“.
I sometimes found that those moments are the most healing. I never had choices in my life before. I always did what everyone else told me to do. I never had moments where people cared about what I wanted, or wanted to hear anything that I wanted to talk about. In the work that I do in therapy, I can show up and say “I don’t want to work”, and it will be honored.
It’s very rare and in between that I feel that way, because I always want to get to the next chapter of healing, and looking to find another foothold, but I know that I cannot rush this healing process as much as I want to sometimes. I have to sit and observe what I have been through before moving on. I need to reflect and honor, and breathe in the moment that I had yesterday.
I feel lifted and restored today. I feel I have more energy to move forward, but not today. Today when I show up, it will be another day I say “I don’t feeling like working, let’s talk”.
I want to bask in the fact that I actually had a moment yesterday where emotions did not bring me fear, and that is a lot to honor. I need to sit with that for a while and talk about how GOOD it made me feel instead of running to the next wound.
All those years of holding the abuse is not going to go away in 5 years. I may want to be on my own path right now and be healed, but I know my time is coming. I can feel it, I can see the light to my path, and I can see my own path being laid out for me. I just need to take my time getting there by honoring what I am restoring.
Today I feel lifted and restored, and that is good enough for today. It’s another part of the healing at a slower pace, and I am going to honor that.
So - later today I show up, and I will say “I don’t want to do the work” and today I will talk about whatever it is I want to talk about, and that too shall be healing.