I was / am truly disappointed in God this past weekend.. yes I can actually say that and still love and honor him. I think God understands it when we can express our disappointment, because he knows that we do not understand the path that he has laid out for us. It's hard to comprehend that God is looking out for us; protecting us - when we feel pain, sadness, or when we are struggling or suffering! This weekend was one of those moments that "prayer" was just not enough.. it wasn't enough for me. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, it got worse - maybe I don't understand Gods way, but he sure saw my suffering, and still no break in sight! He saw my tossing and turning through the night, he heard me say over and over "just give me some goodness to work with here, I am struggling inside".. and still no relief in sight.. that is when I said "why are you doing this to me?"
I showed up at church three times over the weekend, I prayed, I honored, I have spoken, I have reached out, I have connected, I have done all the good things I know I can do inside to try and make it better, but still no relief or goodness in sight came my way. I am not saying that you need to do all these things to receive, but I surely showed up and showed him that I was needing the support! Even in the hardest of mornings on Sunday, I got up and went, because I honor him and want to hear HIS word! so am I angry? you bet I am!
I sit here and look at the people in my life who don't honor, or they take things for granted, take GOD for granted, take their life for granted, take their goodness for granted - or take take take, me me me, and their prayers are answered.. you just want to throw yourself on the floor and take a fit! WHY!! why do the people who mis-use their prayer or mis-use their goodness, GET what they ask for? Why do I see people all around me who don't honor like I do, and everything is going great for them; while I am healing and fighting for my life to heal from the horrible past I endured? WHY?
I feel I worked so very hard everyday and put on a smile when I dont want to smile, I feel I really made some trusting steps forward; only to feel as if I was thrown back five feet to start again? So yes I am angry! Just writing this makes me want to go kick a few things or slam a couple of doors!
But as I sit here in my anger - I am trying to think of how I can add to my prayer and just honor God and what his plan is for me. In my anger I will try and push through this tough time I am having; until I can find more hope and goodness to work in. That is what I can do when Prayer is just not enough. We can be angry, but only God knows our path, and we need to honor that, and hand it over to him and trust he will embrace that in his own way. Yes it's very hard! Its very hard to honor in suffering, or to honor in waiting for it to get better.. but that is the strength that God does give us, and I believe he see's that strength and gives us that gift to get through these "trivial" times of WHY!
In this anger I also need to believe that at some point, when I am least expecting it, he will show up, and I will smile and say "there it is" - yes a little late, but I will be blessed that he really did hear me.