This morning, when I woke up to get ready for church, I had a text on my phone from my support, and one of the things said, was: “I wanted to take a moment to remind you that in a place of taking a break from the flow of powerful, you are gathering more strength to move forward”
I sat with that for a few moments and wow! That was pretty powerful words, and I have to admit, came at a perfect time.
Last night I had an emotional conversation with my sister on the phone about the past. We really touched some hard moments. It was a sister moment that left some really intense emotional feelings – for the both of us.
When I woke up this morning, I felt this heaviness – until I saw the text. It reminded me that this weekend was about “honoring how I feel, and being with those feelings; not trying to work against it.
I was also reminded that I don’t always have to be so strong all the time, and that sometimes we just need to rest in the weakness – to gain strength.
I have to admit, I really had no idea how I was going to do that. I don’t know how to “be” and let it be “OK” that I am not feeling so strong. I didn’t know how to rest in the weakness – until this morning.
I went to church, and for the first time ever during Mass, I wanted to get up and leave. I wanted to up and leave the Mass because I felt emotions and anxiety coming on around the conversation that I had last night with my sister. In that moment, I remembered the text from earlier that morning with the words “gathering more strength to move forward”.
I remembered our conversation Friday afternoon about “resting in the weakness” “rest in knowing it’s OK however you feel”. “It’s OK to not feel strong”.
If I had left the mass, I would have reverted to my old ways. I would have gone to be alone, isolated maybe, but I chose to stay, and stay connected. I chose to be and not work against it. I let myself sit there and just feel, instead of using all my strength to figure it out and make it better.
When I left Church, I felt a sense of relief. I felt relieved that I didn’t give into the old messages to run, isolate, be alone, or fight against the feelings. I stayed and heard the liturgy of the word. I stood and sang, and I took the Eucharist and prayed to God for his support and strength.
I went home, relaxed, did some writing, and I even allowed myself to be pampered a little; even though the emotions were still sitting there.
Today I was resting in the weakness, and I have to say it felt good to not fight against it. It felt good to not “figure it out” and allow myself to be in the moment.
I later on sent an email thanking him for the powerful and supportive words, and explained about my “not so good” morning, and I was told "it's OK, your loved, supported and connected by all".
Tonight, I am sitting here on my bed, laptop on my lap, candles lit, the house is quiet, I’m having a piece of pizza, with the windows open, enjoying the cool breeze, AND I am feeling sad tonight – and it’s OK.
I know inside that I am connected, and I am resting in the weakness, gathering strength to move forward in my healing.
I am right where I need to be.