I believe that painful wounds and scars, still have all the pain and suffering inside of them, but are still covered up. I feel this way, because today I experienced opening up an old wound, and letting out what was under it, and then re-healing it with goodness and truth, and the emotions that were underneath it.
For the first part of my session today, I hesitated. I knew what was next in the timeline and I knew it was going to be hard. I needed to open that book for the first time in 3 weeks and honor it, so I finally said "you ready?" - and there I was, timeline in my lap, support sitting by my side, God in the room, courage to go forth to honor, and open up another wound to be healed.
This wound was the hardest and the deepest. This wound was about my father and how he took his anger out of me in a moment I didn't expect it, or ever thought it would be something my dad would ever do to me. It was a moment that took me out of anything that I ever believed as safe or good.
This wound was so deep, that even taking about it brought out so many emotions that I never thought were there before. I guess this is what happens when you open up a wound with no shame, no guilt, no fear, no silence, and total trust.
I started to write in the timeline book, and I was being helped along - the story is already known, but I needed to honor the feelings and open up the wound slowly. I needed to re-open the wound back up, and feel what was inside.
My dad who I loved and trusted, hurt me so badly that It changed my life forever. When I was 9 years old, I was in the kitchen joking around with my sister, playing around, fooling around, being a kid with mischief. Something about that moment got my father so angry, that he came into the kitchen with rage, grabbed me from the kitchen chair by the back of my neck, and slammed my head into the counter not ONCE, not TWICE, but THREE times in a row.
I think back to that moment, and I remember being so numb, I couldn't feel the deep wound on my head! I was numb with fear, sadness, and complete shock!
I have that scar on my forehead/hairline today, and everyday when I look in the mirror, I am reminded that on that day, was the day I lost my father to who I thought he was. I lost the one person who I thought loved me, and one of the only people I trusted.
Yes many many years later when I was an adult, he changed, he was no longer the angry man, he was more kind, gentle and loving. I even put him back on a pedestal as being the one person who I loved in the family, but that is because I covered the wound with lies, and secrets they made me hold onto - and I never wanted to face the truth. I know today, it will never change what happened that day; that day being the day I lost a part of my soul.
Being abused as a child, and going through that daily abuse everyday since the age of 5, it was something I already knew and expected to happen, but when my dad grabbed me that day, and took his anger out on me, it shook my world, and shattered my hope; the hope I held inside that no matter how much I was being hurt by others in the house, I still had him - no longer!
He was no longer the man I put on a pedestal as the man I looked up to; but now he was the distorted one just like the rest of them. In that moment I realized I had no one to trust. It broke my heart, and I never felt so alone as I did that day.
As I am sitting here writing this, I am crying. I am crying because I have never been open about this to those who can read my story, or those who like me have been hurt by someone they loved, or trusted. This wound is the most painful, it's the most painful because it took any hope that I held onto, and shattered it into a million pieces.
Imagine living in a house where you couldn't trust ANYONE? You have a mom who slept all the time and completely neglected me and all my needs. She was sick a lot because she never took care of herself. When she wasn't in bed, she was working, or out with her friends instead of being home with me.
Then you have my older brother(s) who abused me day in and day out sexually, and alot of the times, my parents left them to watch me while both or one worked.
Then you have my baby sister who was 5 years younger than I was, and I took care of her and looked after her.
Then you have my dad, someone I loved, someone I trusted, someone who said that he loved me back - even though it was conditional love. I took what I could get back then - but then that day, everything changed!
From that moment on, I didnt' trust anyone. I was alone, scared, hurt, felt worthless, and had deep sadness. I spent most of my childhood in my closet; where I kept all my things hidden inside holes in the wall that I made behind the clothes.
I hid them in the holes so that no one could find the stuff I loved (paper, pens, dolls, fisher price tape recorder, all the things that made me happy that were mine). The closet was my escape from all the pain; a place I could go to cry, and pray, and be. That is all I had from that moment on until I was a teenager.
Today I opened up that wound about my dad, and I truly felt it. My therapist sitting beside me, got very quiet for a moment, and said - "do you remember the day you walked in here 5 years ago and challenged me and said - "my dad is the only one who I love, and we wont talk about him, he is a good dad, we will leave him out of this".. In that moment that I was reminded of those words I spoke of my dad, I cried and cried, because I realized, those were the walls I HAD, and those walls are now GONE!
I truly see what happened to me that day, and my dad hurt me badly. I see it in full truth while feeling the true emotions. I realized today that I am no longer protecting anyone, but now loving myself and protecting myself with truth.
That wound that held all those emotions, and lies about what I thought my dad was, was now wide open! Now it can heal with truth. Today I let free all the feelings I should have had back then as a child when that moment happened, and today I let it be free of the secrets and the lies.
Each scar has a story under it; feelings deep inside of it. It doesn't have to be a "physical scar" it can be an emotional scar as well. Today in hard realization, I learned that those wounds need to be reopened and healed the way they should be healed.
My family was all about covering up the wounds that were created, and to cover it as fast as they could to "keep quiet". That day that my dad did that to me, his first words to me after saying that he was sorry, was, "don't tell your mother" and "don't tell anyone at school".... another lie, another secret, another thing for a child to hold onto.
Today I let it be heard again, and now it's no longer something for me to hold, or having a secret to keep, or holding another lie to live with.
I have realized in this healing that I dont have to hold anything inside anymore, the wounds can be cut open, and healed with truth. That is what I am doing in the many days a week in therapy, and every single day inside of my soul.
It's my turn to live, not for THEM, but for me. God has given me new strength to find me under all these scars and wounds that I have, and I feel it. I know deep inside, that no matter how hard it is to open wounds, I will always have strength from God and my support.
Wounds and scars are deep, but it's not too deep for you to dig in and find the truth from them. Under those scars is not only the pain, but YOUR truth, YOUR story, and YOUR chance to let out the lies it holds. It may hurt, but it will heal back up, and this time, it will heal for GOOD.
I am truly sad today opening this wound, it was deep, and it truly hurt, but these feelings are mine and true, and now the wound can heal.