Why did I have the childhood I had by being sexually abused since I was 5 years old?
Why was I the one abused, yet no one else was touched? Why me?
Why was I raped? what did I do to deserve my purity to be taken?
Why was I neglected and abandoned in the midst of this abuse and be so invisible that not one person noticed the "hurting child who was suffering inside?"
Why do I struggle with anxiety and fear every day even as an adult today?
Why do I have to move through my day differently than others just to get by?
Why don't I have a mom who I can confide in, cry with, talk to about my problems that only a mom can understand?
Why is this my path, and why do some have a life so fulfilling?
Why do I struggle to be the person I want to be out of fear and past messages telling me no!?
There are a lot of questions as to why, and nothing bothers me more than when a person says "this is the path God chose for you because he made you strong to handle it" .. that is CRAP!
God didn't create this path for me, in fact, I know God was and is shaking his head at all the free-will sins that were done against me.
God created me in the image of him in hopes I will be the best version of me I can be, and that others would treat me with love like he expects of us.
I will never blame God for all that has happened to me. He chose a path for me, but he can't control those who walk on or through my path and their actions. He can't control all that happens, but he can sure give me hope to hold onto through it.
I can sit here and wonder all these things above, and that is okay, because wondering is a healthy way of seeing the difference between what is vs. what could be .. but to stop my life in the midst of wondering is not what God would want from me. I need to keep going finding ways to over-come.
I truly believe God gives me strength to move through these struggles - some days being easier than others.
But the one thing I have learned the most in the past year is this - I can sit and wonder, but by sitting here thinking of the "why's" and the "how come's" or the "should have could have would have" I am missing out what is right in front of me. I am missing out on the "next" and the "possibilities" and the "hope".
I have truly learned to let go of "why" .. there is no answer to why, because there will never be an answer that will give me all the things I am missing or that have been taken from me. But I can put my energy into "change" "steps" "more hopes in the healing process".
I show up to therapy 3-4 days a week! I work hard, I move through hard moments to get to the good things on the other side of this hurt I have been holding since I was 5 years old. THAT is what God has created in me - the ability to show up and trust the process of healing, because God heals, God gives us the ability to heal - - not change what has already been done.
What I do believe is that, those things that hurt have made me a stronger person. Those things I never had in life make me grateful for the things I do have and makes hope shine a little brighter, and hope becomes a gift and not something to be taken for granted.
I think I got caught up in the "WHY'S" out of frustration, and as my therapist reminds me "its okay to be in the frustration and anger, as long as I don't let it "BECOME" me or be too long in it".
I can sit here and wonder, but it really takes me out of where I am and where I can go ..
I hate this hard place I have been in for over a year now ... but I can't look back, I can only look forward into each step I am making every day, and those are hopeful GOOD steps forward, not backwards.