Today in session I really opened up about being okay and accepting for where I am in this journey... it was a great session with a lot of realization! I can sit here and think ahead and wonder "where would I be today had I not gone through a particular hard situation a few years ago that really threw me into a hard isolated emotional place by past triggers?
I can sit here and wonder about how things would be today if things were different from the past to the obstacles I have faced along the way.
I can sit here and wonder all the "what if's" or feelings of shame and guilt for still being in and out of hard places.
I can sit with all those wonderment's, but then I ask myself "where do those wonderment's take me? The only place it takes me is out of the here and now, and if I pay attention too much to what if or I wonder, I miss what is happening right here, right now.
My therapist and I talked this morning about healing happening in THIS very moment that fills in the holes of "what if's". I am not the same person I was 8 years ago when I first began therapy. I am not even the same person I was a year ago. Growing with each healing step, I am a new person going forward every day.
YES I have had a very hard year and a half with being isolated emotionally .. but the thing is, each day I am taking steps out of that, and although sometimes I can't always see those steps, I certainly won't see them if I look into the "WHY'S" or "WHAT IF'S" .. it's all about what I can do in THIS moment, what my healing process is doing in THIS moment!
My therapist always says to me "what do we have the most control over in THIS moment? his answer to that is always "we can talk about anything" .. and that is what I am doing and focusing on - being in this moment and talking about this moment for what it is.
YES I may have been in a totally different place today had 3 years ago not happened in my healing that triggered me into an emotional set back.. I can sit and cry about it .. but do I want to cry about it because it happened, or should I cry about it because it DID happen and it hurts and that's why I am crying. There is a difference.
I can't change what happened to me as a child, but I can sure talk about how it makes me feel some days and let that be the healing process of what heals those painful wounds, not trying to wish it away or wish it different.
Today in therapy I REALLY came to a place where I am just ready to accept where I am. Accept that I am still in this healing process in therapy, and its GOOD and its GOOD WORK and its HEALING work! I can use that as my hope that on the other side of this is the life I want to live and be in... in fact, I am already there, I just need to learn how to be here.
I left session this morning just feeling so hopeful .. and I am grateful for having such a wonderful therapist who has walked with me through all these WHAT IF'S .. but more importantly he has walked with me on this path of the HERE and NOW and that is what matters most.. THAT is where the healing happens ..
We may not always understand why we are where we are.. we may not always understand our path, we may not always understand why things happen the way they do, or have all the answers in front of us, but if we sit and try to figure that all out, we miss what is right in front of us.... and that is "what we have control over in this moment to make us as happy as we can be" and still heal - what has, and what did.