I think it's normal to have doubts and feelings around faith when we lose someone and the confusion that is around that.
For me, it began with doubts, but then grew me closer to God in a way that has me yearning for his presence in my life even more.
Yesterday in session I began pouring out my heart to my therapist about my "missing" the church family and my presence I had in the church with others, but most importantly with God.
I know God is everywhere, but there is something about being a part of my church that has really helped me to grow big in my faith.
It's been a year since I have stepped into church, and it's not because I don't love it; but has everything to do about this isolated depression I have gone through for over a year now.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about church and how much I was a part of that family. I miss it, I long for it, and I am working hard on making steps back.
It's not just about getting up and going, if that were the case, I would already be back there!! trust me, my heart is already there! There is so much more tied to what I have gone through (a couple of years ago) that has kept me far not only from church, but from others who love and care for me.
I isolated from EVERYONE! Everyone but my husband and kids!
Until you have been in my place, or are in my place, I can' even begin to explain how it has felt to be isolated from everyone because of how you feel about yourself and the fear tied to all the things around you.
I think thats why they call it isolation, because there are no words to tell others how you feel, so you just push them away instead. It's a lonely place when you feel no one understands, so I chose to isolate so that I am only disappointing myself and not others.
Yet, I miss everyone that used to be a part of my life so much.
I have done a lot of hard hard work in therapy on taking steps back into the life I once loved and knew, it has been a lot of work, but I learned a lot in these steps; things I didn't even realize that were there.
This past week I really feel God is working hard in me, I feel it like I have never felt it before. He is speaking to me through others, and I know it's just a matter of time I will step back into the places that once defined me and made me happy.
Whats stopping me? Fear, how I feel about myself, and my worthiness. Fear I will be rejected or abandoned in the process of taking steps towards my friends, church, even a fear god may leave my side in this hard journey.
I want it more than anything, and each day I really feel myself a lot closer than the day before. But the one thing I have learned in this process of taking steps back is: I can't force it or fake it. It has to be when my heart is ready. It's not something anyone can do for me, it's not something that can be forced upon me, I have to be the one that takes the steps needed out of this hard place I have been in the past year and a half.
I can be supported, I can be loved and cared for and have all the cheerleaders in the world by my side, but it's me that has to take those steps back into my life and out of the isolation.
Yes I have taken lots of good steps out already; steps that I don't really talk about. God knows it, he see's it and I believe that is why his presence has been so strong.
I truly believe that my mom's passing opened my eyes wider to this process of stepping out of the hard year and a half I have been through. At first it was confusing, I was angry she passed away and it almost felt like steps backwards for a while, but now I see it as a way of using Gods grace as a way to hear and see all the things I have not seen and heard in quite a while.
There isn't a Sunday that goes by that I don't long to be in the place I once called home; a place where people actually told me I had a glow around me every day I was there. You couldn't get me away from this wonderful place - until I was hit with a hardness that took me away from everything and shook my life into pieces.
This quote "Create in me a clean heart Oh God and renew a right spirit within me" this is the process I am taking and I believe I will find my way back, I am already half way there ... but with anything it takes many small steps sometimes, but in those small steps are big changes.
I love the things that God is showing me. I pay attention to everything around me, because I know he is showing me the colors where they have been black and white for long now.