For the past week or so, I have struggled with really hard emotions emerging and showing up at a certain time of the day; the kind of emotions that burn and hurt within. In the past I would have blamed these sudden onset of emotions on 2 O'clock; that pesky time of the day where I am triggered by past emotions from my childhood.
This isn't 2 O'clock, this is more like "a healing process" happening within; a healing I have not felt ever in all my times in therapy on this journey of healing.
For the past month now, therapy has been this whole new entity of healing! My therapist and I have been working incredibly hard together on a few new things, and it has changed my whole way of seeing what connection is - not only to my support and the work we do, but to myself in a way I have never connected to myself before.
I believe healing begins when we connect to ourselves within.
For years and years I have worked hard on connecting with other people. Friends, church, people on social media and getting to know other writers and bloggers. I began this blog 6 years ago, and found connection to others through my story and my truth. Connecting to and with others was not something I was familiar with when I first began therapy, and the work was learning to connect to be seen and to be heard and finding safety in others.
I have finally come to a place where I am connecting not only to others, but now I am connecting to myself and the emotions I carry inside with me every day.
Yesterday the emotions showed up out of no where, and I found myself crying on the couch just feeling alone and sad! it felt gut wrenching, sad, heart aching!
Okay, yes, I do have valid reasons for feeling sad and lonely - - my mom passed away less than a month ago, I have emotions building up inside from still holding onto that loss. My husband has been on a business trip for 10 days now and I am missing him so much right now. I am still working so very hard through this isolation I have been stuck in for over a year now, and those steps are hard hard steps to take ... all good valid reasons for my soul wanting to pour out these vast amount of emotions at any given time of the day.. right?
But . . . . this feels different . . . . This feels like a connection to self and all the emotions that sit on the surface waiting to pounce!
Normally when emotions show up, I find the nearest internal exit as quick as I can! I will connect with a friend, or my husband, or lean on my therapist asking him to cure this horrid thing called "tears" and "emotions" by thinking of ways to make it go away as quick as possible before it feels worse!?
.... not this time! Now I am finding myself sitting with the emotions and saying to myself "no one can make these emotions go away but me, and the only way to do that is to let them be here!" and as much as it hurts, that is where the healing begins!
I find myself questioning - what do the emotions mean? why are they showing up? what are they telling me? what can I do for the emotions instead of asking them to leave?
Instead of running to the nearest internal exit, I have had this longing to be heard in my emotions! I am no longer looking for someone to connect to so that the emotions can be pushed away or made to feel better, I am looking for connection to be heard IN the emotions, and to talk about them with someone so that the healing can happen from being heard and expressing how I feel.
This is something I have never experienced in the years I have been working in therapy, and it feels like healing! My therapist can't take away the hurt and pain! He can't move me through the healing himself, only I can do that! Only I can make these emotions feel better by honoring them and really getting to know why they are here and what they are telling me.
My therapist said to me today in session "I can be here for you, and listen and really support and care and love you through it, but your right, your the only one who can move you through it".
No one can cry for me, only I can cry for me.. and honestly, I don't think I would ever ask anyone to feel what I feel at times.
This is where the healing begins . . . . connecting to the hard emotions that show up and really allowing myself to be with them the way they need to be expressed. I am not saying its easy and, well, it pretty much sucks at times, but I notice change happening within, I am beginning to heal.
The exit doors within are beginning to look like entry ways of new healing paths ahead .. new ways of healing the old hurts that still need emotions to be felt and understood.
Today in session, I felt healing happening as I sat with my therapist and told him about the hard emotions that showed up the night before - with no expectation on him of having a plan to make those feelings and emotions go away the next time they came around, or having a plan to put those feelings out with an extinguisher - I talked about it and let that be the healing! I spoke about it and let the experience of last night be heard and shared - like light pushing out the darkness!
I am starting to believe that this is where the healing begins; allowing myself to be seen and heard through the process of emotions that move within me every day until it fully heals.