As the end of the year draws near, I am finding myself reflecting more and more on just how hard this past year has been personally, physically and emotionally. Yesterday in session before this Christmas break this week, we took some time and reflected on just how hard this year has been for me. In fact, it hasn't been hard just this past year, the past 2+ years have been challenging on many levels.
I have isolated myself from the people and things I love and hold dearly as a way to go inward; leaving me to feel vulnerable to everything and everyone around me.
Sometimes we reflect back as a way to move forward. Sometimes we need to reflect backwards in order to move forwards and that is what this past month has been for me.
I have written and talked some about the shift that has been here since Thanksgiving break, and that shift - that great energy has remained and I have to say it's exciting and gives me so much hope for what the new years brings.
My therapist and I have talked a lot about this great shift that has been here! We are both excited to take the next steps into what this shift entails ... getting back to church, embracing the people and things that I love and hold dearly, start emerging out of this horrible isolation that has been here the past year and a half.
Every day I am noticing more and more the shift that is happening inside of me. It is going to take some work to move more out of this hardness the past 2 years has been for me, and it's going to take patience and perseverance, but the one thing I hold is this - NEVER GIVE UP!
Moving through and towards something that you see in front of you - but can't quite grab yet is very frustrating, and it's in those moments that we are challenged to throw in the towel, throw up the hands and say "I just can't do it" or the challenge to turn around and walk back into the place that makes us feel more comfortable - but what I know is this.. no matter how hard - NEVER GIVE UP!
Yesterday in session my therapist and I talked about the goal, the excitement in the work going forward .. it will be some hard work, but good hard work.
I finally feel for the first time in 2 1/2 years that I feel close to my healing, to my therapist and to the journey in the therapy room!
As many of you know, my healing took some tough corners a couple of years ago - which was the cause to the isolation for the past 2 years. An outside situation really took a toll on me and my healing and triggered me right into this place of isolation, and surfaced a lot of old old feelings that were really hard to push away.
It got so hard that there were many times I left therapy and gave up the healing journey I have worked so hard through. Many times I felt like I couldn't do it anymore - but My therapist really took me hand and pulled me in to see past the heavy wall I had built in cause of this.
As I sit here this morning writing, I am truly blessed that I am finally feeling like my healing journey has turned the hard corner and I am finally at a place within myself that I feel I am finally moving out of this isolation!
The isolation has caused me to push away church, friends, things I love to do, people I love to spend time with, even FOOD has been something I pushed away! I was isolation not only from people and things, but from myself.
Sitting here this morning I am blessed that I have turned the corner, and I am walking towards not only the things I loved before, but to new and amazing things I have yet to grab - but see it's presence.
I can't even explain in words just how different I have felt. Connected, grounded, trusting, a yearning for being around and with the things I once loved! I am beginning to work out again... all because I listened to God when he said to me "DO NOT GIVE UP ON ME" "DO NOT GIVE UP" .. "HANG IN THERE"
There is still work to do, there are still things I am isolated from, but a part of that work is doing what I am doing right now .. connecting to all that is here not just the good, but also the hard!
I look forward to the new year! I am ready to say goodbye to the past 2 1/2 years and what that brought me! I am ready to say goodbye to the self isolation and unworthiness I have felt for myself! I know it will take some hard work, but I am SO ready for the hard work.. and as my therapist has said "I am excited for the hard work" .
I am so blessed that I never gave up on the journey, and I am so blessed to have family and friends who have stuck by me even when I disappeared into the self isolation.
No matter how hard the road is you are driving, never give up.. never ever give up.. push towards the very things you feel are out of your grasp .. because those things are much closer than you think - if you just believe!