I had a very hard week this week. I felt disconnected from all those around me, and I let the old messages in my head get in the way of connection making it even harder to connect to much of anything.
Last night I woke up at 3am, heart beating fast, I felt a sense of doom come over me.
I sat up, got really quiet, and within moments, the doom faded and I heard and felt God all around me - I felt at ease with new thoughts and a new way of thinking.
I said to myself in that very moment "no more! I am no longer letting this isolation of the past year define me, I need to let go of what stands in my way - break down the barrier that stands between me and life!
When I heard myself say that, I noticed everything around me change; almost like everything had a place in the room and in my senses!
It was almost like color coming back to things that have felt black and white for quite some time - it was a moment I can't quite describe - because maybe it was meant for just me.
I got up, walked around the room a little and that ease continued to move through me! I believe God was walking along side of me in that moment - guiding me to bigger thoughts that felt possible with each pace I took.
I smiled and knew in that very moment that I am ready to take some kind of step!
Where do I begin?
My therapist and I have talked about letting all the feelings and emotions be brought right up to me so I can heal them and then take steps out... I think last night was about me meeting those feelings halfway! Not completely taking huge steps out, but not staying IN IT any longer either. I met this hardness half way last night and said "I am ready"!
What does being ready look like?
Maybe it look like replacing those old messages with truth. Asking my support for affirming words of truth so I can hold onto those words and use those as my light moving out of the dark tunnel of isolation?
Maybe it looks like trying to move back into church and feel the love of God all around me. I have been absent from my church for over 9 months and I miss that love so very much!
Maybe it looks like accepting support .. not just knowing its there, but REALLY accepting and using that support as a way to move out with others who care for me.
Maybe it looks like feeling the big feelings I hold inside by allowing myself to have emotions and not pushing them away and replacing them with old lies from the past.
Maybe it's okay to be sad about what I am going through, maybe that sadness deserves to be talked about and felt!
Maybe it looks like calling a friend and having a coffee date, and even if I don't feel good about myself, I will sit there knowing change is happening and the more and more I accept that, I will begin to feel who I really am.
Maybe it looks like taking the steps to let the young inner me go! The young me who holds too much burden and too many old messages keeping me from taking the steps as the adult I am today. I need to move out of what this past year has been for me. Its time to let that part of me go and begin living for NOW - that will rightfully be sad and hard to do.
Maybe it looks like working through the anger - because anger turns truth to lies, and turns connection to disconnection! Maybe I hold too much anger and that in itself creates an isolation within!
I need to trust that all my support loves and cares about me unconditionally, with no conditions but for me to show up and be me!
I almost feel as if God woke me up at 3am and just wanted me to hear and see that something that I have shut my eyes to for a year; something that I didn't feel worthy enough to see and feel.
Last night I finally stopped long enough to listen and see, accept and let go of whatever it is inside of me that is keeping me from taking steps forward out of this isolation.
I know it will take some work... I know it will take courage and acceptance and trusting and believing and working to push those old messages out - but if God showed me anything - he showed me it can be done and I am worthy of that,
I am not alone through this. I have support, I have my loving husband, I have God, I have my children who make me smile and laugh. I have my healing path and a therapist who has never given up and continues to show me the things I have a hard time seeing and helping me to hear the TRUE messages and not the lies of my past.
I feel like this isolation inside hit rock bottom this past week, and God took my hand and showed me the way out.
Like Anne Lamott says in her quote "Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."
This isolation away from the people and things I love was here way too long - and now some light has finally returned!