The word "Seek" fits perfectly to all that has gone on and all that is going on within me in my healing right now, and for the first time in a long time, I feel so much hope! Last week in therapy, my therapist and I came to this big understanding around something that just blew up the room with hope and goodness; so much that we both stood up in a hug of celebration saying "this is why we make a good team!"
We were both very excited about the things we talked about - the things we both saw and realized, and everything just fell into place! It was a huge "wake up brain" moment.
For the first time in 2 years the stagnant feeling that has loomed over the room in therapy lifted, and it was a feeling I can't quite explain! Pure relief and excitement about what is ahead in our work!
In all the years I have been in therapy, I have never given up!Yes there were times in the past couple of years that I wanted to throw in the towel because I went through some things that really challenged my healing and the relationship I have in the therapy room and my therapist, but I stuck it out and faced the demons of the old messages telling me to "give up!" .. I never gave up in all 7 1/2 years now, and this is exactly why - perseverance to move through the hard stuff making myself worthy of the process of healing!
When I am excited about stuff like this, I immediately want to run to the "doing" part! I want to JUMP right into what is realized and planned, but I have changed over the years to understand that these things require a "slowing down" to understand the process more. if you rush into it, you may miss some of the best things God has given us to see in this realization, and that is what we are doing with this new-found understanding.
Then of course there is the curse side to this new understanding, and that is - keeping away the old messages long enough to allow myself to embrace this new work we are walking towards in this new direction of my healing.
Old messages meaning "old messages from the past" telling me 'I am not worthy of healing', 'that this goodness is not real' and 'that I will get hurt in the process'.
Those old messages come from not trusting that something good can come from something without getting hurt in the process. Things in my past always came with a price to pay, a consequence, or a lie, and today I am learning how to trust that when something good is here, or when someone really wants to help me or stand by my side, it doesn't always mean I am out to be hurt, I am really cared for, and good will happen out of the hard work I do... and maybe just maybe I am worthy of that!
I told my therapist how scared I am of losing this big hope of what we are walking towards next in my healing and the promise to me was "we will keep you connected in it and make sure you don't lose sight of this goodness that is here" ... and he reminded me "if God is for us, who can be against us?" . . .
I truly believe God is watching out for me and wants to see me take this path! We have some work to do and I look forward to sharing with you all what that entails and what it looks like - to move through triggers, to move past the hardness of isolation I have felt in the past 2 years - to finding MYSELF again, and it's not about finding myself again, it's about finding new parts of me that are meant to be found!
I am excited and scared at the same time!
This past week was about seeking something that God wants me to see, have faith and trust in it, find my worthiness in that, and allow support, love and care to work with me along side of that!
A part of the slowing down is about finding what the "doing" part is, and embracing this new hope for a while and not jumping into it too fast! Like my therapist reminded me yesterday, "this is important, and we need to slow down and really pause and talk about the steps, not just take the steps" .. true wisdom!