It has taken me years and year to accept support, care, love and connection. I don't struggle to give it, I struggle to accept it.
7 1/2 years ago I walked into therapy and I had no idea what was going to be ahead of me on this healing path. I had no idea that I would ever believe in connection and connecting in care with others.
I always felt love and care was "conditional" .. that it came to me but only at a price. I never knew that care could be something I could freely accept just because for who I am.
When I first began therapy my therapist slowly began to teach me what "safe" touch was. Every session he would pull his chair a little closer to mine. He wanted me to get used to what it felt like to have someone "care" and not "abuse" that care while talking about my past.
Finally one day my therapist was sitting so close to me that he reached his finger out and told me to touch my finger to his, and there I was, making a personal connection while allowing myself to be seen and vulnerable.
It was a safe connection, and I learned so much about personal connection after that big moment for me. I didn't numb out like I normally do when people approach me, and there I was, allowing someone to care and make a personal connection to me.
Here I am 7 1/2 years later and I can accept hugs, accept touch, accept others to embrace me in care and love. It took a lot of time to accept, but I finally realized that I was worth unconditional love, support and connection.
I have been married 23 years and have 3 amazing teenage boys, I have never had an issue loving and caring on them to death, but accepting was a whole different story. I would numb when people gave me hugs or tried to touch me. It took me a long time to trust my husband and even then there were moments I numbed out the past just to be present to the now with my husband.
Today it's so different. Yes there are times I struggle with connection and my self worth, but it's getting better the more and more I accept the care and support.
I realized that its just as important for me to accept love and care as it is for me to give it. Its a slow process, but one that I am embracing more and more.