Ever hear the phrase "If your going through hell, keep going?". Have you ever had a moment where you got in the car, had to be somewhere, you come up against traffic and road blocks and you fight and try so hard to go around or find a different way around it all - just to come up against the same traffic and road blocks you found in the beginning?
Your sit there thinking "maybe I should have just stayed where I was, I would have been through it already and now I am here back at the beginning of the mess, and now I have to sit through it longer.
I believe that is life!
That is what the past couple of months has been for me. I have decided that I am not going to take the long way around, or an easier way through, or to find a path with more connection. I have decided a couple of months ago, I am staying right on this path no matter what is here, because I believe this is the path I need to take.
Years ago that was me. I would start on a path - found hardness or disconnection - backed out - and looked for another path that felt more connecting that highlighted my strength more. I looked for a path that was less on others, and a path that I could fight through easier.
when I realized that all that I was doing was just going around and starting over, I decided "this is where I need to be" "be patient, go through the hardness" "this is the right path".
I have realized that the very path that feels disconnecting at times, is the path with the most potential for a choice of connection and acceptance. The hardness on this path IS my strength. The hardness on this path IS the connection.
So here I am, on the same path that holds so much hardness, so many unknowns, so many obstacles and yet this is connection, this path is the easier path because when we face what is here, we are working "with" the path and not "against" the path.
I am sitting here this morning and I have a list of the things I am facing today. I have a very important doctor appointment that possibly holds all the answers to what I am going through and every inch of me wants to "back up the car and take another path" .. I am scared, I am worried, I am feeling vulnerable, but this is the path and if I just keep going, my strength will pull me through it, connection that I have gained on this path will pull me through it.
This is the right path even if it feels scary, hard, or even painful. I am not going to turn around, because that only takes me back to the beginning of what I am chosen to face no matter which way I go.
My therapist has helped me to realize in the past couple of weeks that no matter the outcome in the path, it doesn't change how I got here. It doesn't change the strength, it doesn't change the wisdom I have gained along the way, it doesn't change the connection, the goodness, the care, the love of all those around me - its still here no matter what I find out today at the doctors.
The path will continue no matter what the day brings me. There is a part of this path that will allow me a resting place of goodness, and there will be times where the path will bring me more pain, or the path will bring me JOY and more HOPE.. all of it is here, I just need to keep going and remind myself that no matter which way I go, these very things will be here no matter which way I go.
It has taken me a long time to realize this, and once I came to this realization, HEALING happened, healing IS happening because I am not turning around and starting over on each path, I am going in a forward motion for the first time in 7 years.
I am bracing myself in the hard, and breathing in the good. I am connecting in the moments of unsureness and accepting my worth.
I am learning that connection is something that stands through the good and bad. Connection is not a gift of the good, its something that stands through all the storms on the path and it took me a while to realize that.
I don't have to be strong on this path to be in connection, its HERE right in the middle of life's messy path of obstacles, road blocks and hills, and I am finally at a place where I don't feel as if I have to stop and turn around to find a path more connecting to my strength.. this is my strength, ... KEEP going, healing is happening and I am worthy of all that comes along the way.