I have been in therapy now for 7 years and 4 months now. I look back on this amazing journey and look at all the stepping stones that I have created along the way, and it amazes me that I was able to take steps when I didn't think it was possible.
This past month a shift has happened within me, along side of me, and even outside of me.
A shift has happened in the ability to heal, in the ability to believe, in the ability to trust the connection all around me and even find myself a bit worthy of all that.
7 years and 4 months were the stepping stones, and now I feel like I am walking at the root of my healing and I can feel every bit of healing happening for the first time.
I have struggled with the tension between the lies from the past and the truth of the now for so long. It was so hard to differentiate between what I could lean into as true, and what felt so much and familiar like the past, and my work in therapy held that tension the most - but has also showed me just where that tension was.
2 1/2 years ago a huge blow to my healing happened when a "situation" came into my life and completely ran me off the road to healing that I was so "beautifully doing".. not only did it run me off the path I was on, but it created in me an isolation because it mimicked a huge part of the abuse I went through as a child.
I isolated from a lot of things in my life since that happened and it really threw me off the path I was on. it also showed me parts of what needed to be healed and that was truly a hard reality for me.
Since then, my therapist and I have worked incredibly hard on getting me back on this beautiful path, and not only have I gotten back on this beautiful path, but I found a new path that I never knew was there. A path of new connection, a path of forgiveness, a path of handing over to God all that I don't have control over.
A path to finally seeing just how much the young part inside of me suffers in that tension of "then" and "now".
A path of finding my worth.
A path of a whole new connection that only requires my acceptance and nothing else.
A path of new trust.
I also found some hardship on this new path ...... medical issues that has all the doctors scratching their head trying to figure out what is going on and how to treat it, but because of the work that was done on getting me back on this beautiful path I was on and into the new path, it has given me a new kind of strength to trusting not only the ability to heal emotionally, but the ability to help me heal physically and allowing others to help me along in that.
I have learned in the past month that I don't need things to line up perfectly to be in great connection, I can just show up whatever way I am in life and I am still strong and if I'm not strong I am still accepted, I am still loved and cared for.
I don't have to have it figured out for there to be this amazing connection.... its already here waiting for me.
My therapist and I always used to do this thing in session where he would ask me "so, how is the connection, how is the energy? and I would ask him the same thing... we haven't done that in weeks, why? because I trust that the connection is here no matter what is here, now matter how I feel, no matter what I am facing.
I have finally been able to separate the feelings I have as an adult and the feelings that come crashing in as the younger me from the past; where before I couldn't even tell the difference because I didn't or couldn't trust it.
I have taken a whole new step into my healing that I have never experienced before. I am finally feeling the ability to heal. I feel healing happening inside of me for the first time in 7 years and 4 months. Not that healing hasn't happened in the 7 years and 4 months, of course I wouldn't be where I am without the hard work I have done, but its the ability to trust the healing that is happening inside of me that has changed.
I can actually sit here and say "I am going through a hard time, and yet I trust its going to be okay". I don't think I could ever put those 2 lines together before .. that is the bridge to healing, that is the ability to trust that healing CAN and WILL happen.
Healing used to be an action of trying to overcome... now it's a empowerment of trusting that healing CAN overcome.
My therapist always says to me "don't let yourself become what it is you feel, let it be here and let it be okay that its here" meaning, if your scared or fearful, don't let yourself BECOME the FEAR, talk about the fear, let yourself feel it, but don't get swallowed by it.
Empowerment is found in letting others see you right where you are, and I never trusted that before - until now.
I don't know quite how to say this but, this is the hardest place I have been in because of the health issues and yet this is the most connected I have ever felt.
THAT is where the healing happens, and that is the true ability to heal; letting it be okay that this is a hard moment, but connection is still here right in the midst of it.
7 years and 4 months on this amazing healing journey so far, and I am excited to see where this healing path continues to take me... I am blessed for this journey and for my wonderful therapist who has and continues to walk along side of me through it.
Trust your ability to heal... if you don't see it, trust that its there somewhere.