What if connection can be found in the very things that "we feel" disconnects us? What if connection is found in the hard, the sad, the lonely, the anger, or those moments when we feel less than and we feel the world is against us?
What if connection is a choice; a choice that is ours to make?
I always believed that connection means being strong, being grounded, doing good work in my healing, having it all figured out and leading the healing path and all those around me .. that was my belief, and if I didn't feel all those things, I felt incredibly disconnected and felt people were disconnected from me as well.
I wanted people to be proud the hard work I was doing, and if I didn't do good in the hard, I felt others would be disappointing in me, so I always felt obligated to always be strong and that to me meant connection. I feared being in disconnection because I thought that was a reflection of who I am.
I feel differently now.
A shift is happening inside of me. I have been a little quiet trying to figure this shift out and I think I am finally realizing some things. I have come to realize that connection is a choice even in the hard times connection is available and here for me and its up to me to accept it and embrace it.
In all the years that I have been working with my therapist I have always said to him "if I feel connected, I can get through anything".
Connection has been a huge HUGE part of our work and if I didn't feel connected, it was extremely hard for me to be present or even grounded in the work.
In the past years if I even felt the least bit disconnected, it created this wall between me and those around me - making it impossible for others to connect back to me.
I always had this thought that in order for people to feel connected to me, and for me to be in connection to others that I had to be "strong" "wisdom filled" "empowered" "having it all figured out" .. I always felt that is what made me connected, that if people are proud of me and the work I am doing, that is where the connection is.
Connection is merely an action of being in the moment with what is here no matter what it is.
I have been going through a shift in the past week or so.. a HUGE shift and I haven't really talked about it much or wrote about it in my blog because I Really needed some time to be with what is going on inside of me.
I have been a little on the quiet side because when a shift is happening, I really want to connect to it, get to know it, understand it, embrace it, learn about it and when I am able to connect to it, I then can connect to others around it.
I am going through some medical issues right now that have the doctors scratching their head and I am going through so many tests and doctor appointments. This is enough to make anyone feel disconnected or even have a sense of hopelessness. They are getting closer to figuring out what is going on, but there is still that feeling of frustration around it.
Showing up to therapy the past week or so I have REALLY wanted to feel connected and because of the hardness in my life and all the unknowns of my health, I have really struggled with that connection.... until I realized something and a shift happened.
Last week I woke up and said to myself "I am going to show up without ANY expectation of making anything better before the 4 days holiday 4th of July weekend. I am going to walk into session and just BE with what is here BE with what I feel, BE with whatever we DO know and work with that.
I walked into session with the mind-set that maybe connection is not about everything being perfect or us figuring it all out.. maybe connection can be found in this VERY PLACE I am in.
Sometimes when we have this huge expectation for something to be one way and it doesn't' end up being that way, it causes a bigger disconnection.... well that is what happens in therapy sometimes. I go in and want to have it figured out SO BADLY that it actually causes a disconnection because we want the same connection so much that if we don't' reach that goal it puts a disappointing wall up and there is no way to connect around that.
When I walked into this shift just accepting whatever was here .. the hard and the good, the sad and the happy, I was able to connect to the room and connect to the goodness that was here and that was GOOD ENOUGH!! I was having a hard day because of the unknowns around my health and me showing up to therapy and just being with whatever I felt was GOOD enough. that WAS the connection.
When I came to this understanding, I felt the MOST connected I have felt in years! it created this whole new connection to self, to my therapist, to the process!! it allowed room for sadness and goodness ... it allowed room to express how i felt knowing that YES its hard but I am still connected in that.
Connection is a choice and so isn't disconnection. Its a choice!
I was able to express my emotions to my therapist recently and for the first time ever, it felt GOOD because I accepted that my tears doesn't mean disconnection or shame.. it means connection and acceptance.
This is such a HUGE shift for me and I am still working with what is here. I am going through many changes right now - even steps out of this isolation I have been in and while I work through this shift, I am CONNECTED and learning all about it
There are still some things I need to figure out and work with, but I believe this connection is the path that has been lost for a couple of years now. I am finding my way, and not only am I finding my way back to where I was, but I am finding new road I never knew were there.
God gives us MANY emotions and I truly believe now that he wants us to connect to them all, and connection is found in ALL feelings and ALL moments of our life hard and good, sad and happy!
these roads are finally making sense and are now giving me a clear path to hope again.