five minute friday {lost}

Many-Paths-To-TakeWelcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing. No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {LOST}

{Start}

There are moments where I feel completely connected, grounded and here in the moment .... and then there are times where I feel lost, unsure and disconnected from those around me.

When I feel disconnected it feels frustrating, sad, and a lonely place of confusion and unsureness.

When I feel connected, I feel like I can conquer anything in front of me. When I feel connected and grounded I feel worthy and so ready for all that is here no matter how hard! I feel PROUD of myself and that feels GOOD.

I am really trying to figure out the pattern of this and why it happens. What causes the disconnection? why? and when does this happen the most?

I recently told my therapist that when this happens I wish we could grab a hold of it right away and not let it go into a disconnection phase. I wish we could figure it out before it goes into a full blown disconnection of self.

When I get in this place I feel LOST. Not only do I feel lost but everything around me is distorted! I begin to feel that everyone around me is different, or has changed, or that they are the one that is causing me to feel this way; when in real its more about my energy and my disconnection that is doing this.

I have felt disconnected for about a week now - since my mini breakdown last week and I am really working hard to figure out this pattern of what I go through.

Yes there are some things going on in my life that would rightfully so cause me to feel angry, disconnected, frustrated and emotionally challenged.. but I notice this pattern happens a lot between connection and disconnection and I really need to figure out that cause of this and what I can do to slow it down enough so I can understand it more.

I dont like the place I am in right now, and I am just sitting here waiting for the switch to flip and I feel connected and grounded again. I hate the feeling of LOST and I am going to really challenge myself this weekend to write about this pattern and pay attention to all that is going on around me when this happens.

My therapist and I talked about this in session yesterday and he said to me "we will help you figure this out, we will help you get back into connection so that you can feel connected to everyone around you"

That is hopeful for me and I know we will talk about it.. but I think it's something I need to change inside. I think it has to do with my past and those old messages and feelings creeping up and taking me out of the connection.

When I feel connected.. OH BOY! I feel AMAZING and feel as if I can FIGHT through the trenches and really get grounded to everything around me.. but when I get in this disconnecting phase, it's heart wrenching for me, because I know what it feels like to feel connected and that contrast just kills me.

I will say this... I am not even close to where I was 7 years ago. 7 years ago I couldn't even tell the difference of this pattern that happened. I used disconnection as a protection.. today its SO different and that is what I am working hard to continue finding!

This is a part of the healing path... moving myself out of the lost place and into a place of being seen in full connection.

{END}