five minute friday {release}

RELEASEfmfWelcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing. No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {Release}

I had the pleasure of choosing the Five Minute Friday word last night along side Lisa Jo baker! I am the admin and make the graphics for the FMF Facebook Page, so she asked me to pick the word, and I chose a word that fits the process I am going through in my life right now.

(The graphic above was made by me for the Five Minute Friday Facebook page that I posted on the page)

{Start}

This week I wrote a blog called "pain demands to be felt" ... and I feel like there is another side to this blog, its about release and what to do with the pain we are demanded to feel.

I am not one to really share something like this because it feels personal, and maybe even a little embarrassing because to me I have been taught that having big emotions is weak..... but last night I had a major breakdown - right in the middle of the kitchen for everyone in the whole house to hear and see!

Last night as I picked up the phone and heard a voicemail "Hi Karen, this is blah blah blah doctors office and we are calling to confirm your 1:30pm appointment on Monday June 23rd, please arrive 15 minutes early" .. I hung up the phone, rather I slammed the phone down and just cried!

I knew about this appointment, but for some reason it just triggered a feeling inside of me of "I have HAD ENOUGH!"

I have been going through a lot of medical issues the past 5 months. I have been poked, prodded, blood tests, scans, MRI's, Bilateral leg scans, more blood, more ultrasounds, more doctors, new doctors, more appointments WITH NO ANSWERS!

At that point last night I just broke-down and cried and yelled, and screamed to everyone in the room "I AM JUST HAVING A BAD DAY" and I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND!"

After my 45 minute melt-down my husband lovingly asked me to go for a ride with him so that we could get me out of the house, go for a ride and just talk about how we can help me to find some relief from the burdens and the stress, worry and heavy heart I have felt for months now.

It scared my husband to see me have a melt-down right in front of him. I rarely raise my voice or show my emotions and my husband stood there with this stare like he was shocked at my demeanor! It scared him and I think at that point he finally realized that maybe this was the RELEASE I needed.

I think he realized in that moment just how hard this is, and sometimes I just can't be strong!

We went for a ride and we talked about how we can create this weekend coming up to be a good weekend for me, a connecting weekend.  A weekend to get my mind off the doctor appointments, and the stress, and my everyday fight emotionally. "What can we do so that you can have a good weekend and feel supported and connected without having to work for it?" he said.

I think about the blog I wrote this week about how "Pain demands to be felt" and I think last night was the release of that. I think I allowed myself to feel the "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH" instead of holding it in and trying to be strong all the time.

The amazing thing about this is, yesterday, all day, I felt something was on the edge. Something didn't feel right for me and I knew it all day long.

My therapist called me on the phone later on after our session and I said to him "something doesn't feel right, I feel like I am beginning to disconnect" "I need your help to understand this and to help me not get into that disconnection".

Of course my therapist and his wisdom was right on the mark, and he made so much sense.. but what he didn't realize and what I didn't realize in that moment was - a breakdown was on the horizon of my emotions and it was going t be big! I was holding so much inside that it needed a way to release.

So instead of going into a disconnection, my self found a release!

Exhausted and tired last night as I went to bed, my eyes were glazed over and puffy from crying for hours on end and I was literally weak, and I imagine that is what happens when your body releases such big energy that was being held for so long.

Just as Pain demands to be felt, maybe the other side of this is having a release is connecting and not disconnecting!

This has been a really hard year for me, and I am so ready for something to be different. The difference this time is, I feel connected, big, and grounded - which is so different from the person I was years ago.

{END}