Yesterday in session my therapist was excited about doing this "thing we do" every year when vacation week is here. We use words for both of us to hold onto as a way to stay connected even though the connection is there. Its a lot of fun to do even though its not really something I need anymore to hold onto connection.
For years and years I had a really hard time holding onto "connection" with other people. If people went away for a while, that connection would fade before I even had a chance to hold onto it, because I didn't trust it, and I didn't trust it because that connection was abused in my past.
For the first 5 years of therapy when there was a break for a week or so, I would shut down and isolate from the process of healing.
I wouldn't disconnect from people in my life like my family, husband or kids or friends, it was just that process of healing and my therapist I would shut down around. That WAS my safe way of disengaging from another person.
I have learned over the years that I didn't need to disengage from that process or him, I could be connected and stay connected because it was safe.
Now when there is a break like this week coming up, I embrace it, I love it, I love that time for myself and I still know that I am connected.
My therapist still loves to do the "word" game. We take a piece of paper and he makes a crease down the middle. We both take some crayons and we think of a word and we both share the word. I hold a part of the word and he holds a part of the word and we split it in half and take it with us.
Yesterday it was funny because we kept coming up with really good words but didn't know who would have what half. So we came up with the basic words that remind us of my hard work in healing and a part of what we represent as two peope who really work hard together on this journey of my healing.
We chose the words:
Connection - there is always connection no matter what is in between
Talk about anything - we have this mantra in our relationship that we can talk about anything no matter what it is! no matter what!
There is hope - hope is my anchor, and I love to know that no matter what I am going through, there is hope on the other side.
Will not forget - another phrase he uses, that he wont forget the place I am in no matter what is here. Its a nice affirmation.
Healing path - This is an amazing healing path. I am so far on this path and really becoming a huge part of who I want to be.
We are a good team - Those words speak for itself! 7 years has proven that!
Everything is OK - This is a phrase that is reminded to me when I struggle with hardness that I go through sometimes.
Nothing has changed - Even though things do change in the process of healing, nothing has changed is a private meaning between us that he uses a lot around certain things.
When we return from vacation in a week, we will bring this back together and tape it and put it in our folder of connection. These are great reminders of where I am, what I know, what is known, what is truth .. its connection.
The funny thing about my therapist is that, he is not just doing this for me, he is doing it for himself and I had a really hard time believing that someone would want to stay connected to me.. my worthiness around someone loving and caring about missing me and wanting to be connected to me.
Its funny how connection works. We are born into connection but then its something we always have to work towards. Connection is not just something that exist, it needs work and trust and a belief.
I am looking forward to this week off, and when we come back together the following Monday, I will embrace this and really hope that I can share with him some stories about my own week of goodness and self care. That is what healing is about! healing is not just about connection to others, its also about connection to SELF and that is what this paper reminds me of.
This was a lot of fun and we had many laughs doing it .. that in itself is a great connection.
Connection is KEY ..... to God, to others, and to yourself!