staying grounded... one string at a time

busySometimes when life gets busy, it can cause us to become disconnected from self and not only from self, but to everything and everyone around us. We lose ground and tend to get into a hiding space within us - at least for me that is what "can happen", but the challenge and the work has been about not letting that become me and staying as grounded as I can.

I have had a lot on my plate this year both physically and emotionally, and sometimes its hard to separate the two, because it feels like a big ball of yarn scrambled up and you don't know which piece to work with first to untangle it.

A huge part of my work the past couple of months (more so) have been about learning to stay grounded and knowing that's it okay to "feel" disconnected, but not "becoming" disconnected. There is a huge difference and my therapist has really helped me to learn that.

You can feel all the things you feel, but the good work and the healing is about not "becoming" how you feel, but instead feeling how you feel and being connected in that.

That is SO NEW for me. For years and years I hide inside the emotions and disconnected from myself and those around me, instead of allowing myself to "be with the emotions while remaining connection to self".

When you are afraid of your emotions for so long, you become the emotions and feel defined by them, so this is a huge new step in my healing. Its about taking apart the ball of strings in my head one piece at a time instead of letting it become a mess that I become emotionally.

When I was little, I spent a lot of time trying to work through the ball of emotions inside of me. I was the ball of emotions, I was the hurt, I was the pain, I was the loneliness.

I reverted to my closet and became the silence and became the darkness that the closet help. It was my only source of safety. These past 7 years has been about slowly coming out of the closet, into the light and becoming a part of the connection and not the disconnection.

As with anything, we tend to lean on what "we know" from our past when things get really hard. There will always be a pull from something that was familiar.

There are times when things get really overwhelming for me (like this week) when I tend to feel the pull back into my old habits of wanting to be alone in how I feel, but my therapist and I have worked extremely hard in making sure that I stay grounded in the hard.

When things get really hard and overwhelming, a part of the work my therapist and I have been doing is:

1: talk about it "we can talk about anything" no matter how hard or what emotions are present

2: What do I need that would be helpful, and talk about those needs

3: lean in and get grounded around those needs

4: talk about each step going forward

5: have a plan and turn the unknown into a known of what steps are next.

Those 5 things are about reversing the old messages and the old patterns, and I find that has been so helpful for me the past couple of months.

So now when I have that "big ball of string" in my head that feels impossible to untangle - I can talk about it -  have help around it - I can feel it, but not become it, and then its important to make a plan of action around it.

Today I have a big day! I have 2 doctor appointments and one of those are a MRI scan of the whole body. its another step towards finding relief physically to the pain I am going through. I have been nervous about this day for weeks now.

I have a plan of action today, and I am supported and connected because I talked about it, talked about what would be helpful, leaned in and got grounded, and now we have a plan of what I am going to do in each step today.

I am not becoming the fear of today, I am walking along side of it. I am allowing myself to have feelings about it, but I am not becoming it. There is a difference and it has taken me a long time to realize and reverse that.

I will fall short at times I am sure when I am faced with these hard challenges, but that is why they call it healing. That is a part of the process.

I won't always get it right, and there may be times I still disconnect in the hard, and I am almost positive I will manage to get the ball of string into a bigger ball of mess - but I also know I am not alone to take that ball apart one string - at - a -  time.

So, today I am connected, but I feel anxious.

I am feeling exhausted and tired, but I am grounded.

I am scared and a little anxious, but I am supported, loved and cared for by all those around me today.

I am not hiding in the closet of disconnection, I am out in the open ready to face the day and all it brings ...... one string at a time.

Something for you all to think about today -

{What ball of string can you untangle in your life? What does each piece look like and how can you sort it out by allowing yourself to be with those pieces, but not becoming the ball it came from?}