"If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation". This past week I have felt accepting without guilt or shame or even the fear of dependency.
I KNOW right? what a huge difference for me as I struggle with this on a daily basis.
My therapist and I had this amazing talk Monday, and not just Monday but this whole week we have worked off of each great conversation.
My therapist and I connect a lot. Connection is a huge part of our work and of our relationship in therapy and outside therapy.
We connect not only in sessions, but we connect by phone, sometimes text, and over the weekend there will be a quick text from him and a Sunday email that we have traditionally done for years.
I have noticed that I struggle with accepting the connection that is here for me, and if I struggle with that connection, how is that connecting?
So Monday I went into session and talked to him about the struggle, and talking about that struggle of accepting really helped me to accept and be more accepting of the goodness of who I am, and my worthiness.
Talking about this with my therapist allowed us to realize the tension:
if I am feeling unworthy of the connection, and feeling as if I am "too much" or "not good enough" for the connection, then he is picking up on that energy and then he starts to wonder and battle "am I doing enough to help Karen" .. there was this tug of war going on..
I not only struggle with this INSIDE therapy, but I also struggle with this in my every day life with other people.
Talking about this allowed me to accept my worthiness of connection to all those around me.
I told my therapist that maybe it would be good to maybe not text on Saturday and allow time and space over the weekend, and because I made that suggestion, it gave me a feeling of goodness and worthiness of myself.
When we care about someone, we want so much to connect with them and make sure they are connected, but sometimes "too much connection is disconnecting" and that is what was happening.
Ever since we have had that talk on Monday, I have had this sense of accepting on a whole new level. My sessions this week have been open like a WIDE OPEN space I never saw before.
My therapist actually said to me "I am leaning off YOUR wisdom and courage off this, you are helping me as well".
We came up with this good plan of connection that fits the both of us and because we did that, it took away the guilt and the fear of dependency away from my mind and allowed me to see that I am worthy of connection! I am NOT too much. I am loved and cared for and that is why others want to connect to me.
It allowed me to set a good connecting boundary with other people as well with friends and family. I no longer have this weight over my head.
Because we had this talk Monday and because I initiated the talk, I feel like I created a healthy boundary that cut back the connection just a little, but that created MORE connection than we ever had.
My whole life I was always made to feel as if I was too much. Connection came with a price. Connection came with consequences and lies and I never trusted that there could be a healthy connection without dependency on other.
I sit here and wonder, if I apply this kind of courage to the work we are doing around the young me, I can imagine where this goes on a whole new level of healing!
I am excited for the first time in years.
When my therapist has called me in between sessions this week, I haven't thought "am I worth it? am I too much?" I have embraced it as "I am worthy of connection".. and the energy is so different now. I haven't hidden behind the silence of guilt, or shame, and fear of dependency".
When a friend calls me or texts me, I no longer shy away from being open with them, or being shy to their loving words to me.
When you can truly sit back and look at the difference between accepting and being fearful of accepting, I can see clearly where the damage has been done in my past, and being able to see it, allows me to heal it.
I imagine just what I can do with this small taste of acceptance this week. Its like having a whole new field to run out into.. what can I build and the possibilities behind that... and all the healing that can be done in that.
"If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation".
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