This week I feel connected ... this week I feel the most connected I have felt in over a year. Right now in this moment (although in pain) I feel connected to all those around me and all the goodness that is here for me to embrace!
why this week? Why right now? because this week I decided to have hope in today.
I have been battling some health issues the past month or so and its hard to feel connected and grounded when you feel weighed down physically. It's hard to feel emotionally connected to those around you when your body is just weighed down by worry and concern.
But what I have learned this week is that, when we have hope in today, when we connect to what is here today, when we really allow ourselves to connect to those around us who want to help and connect to us, that connection is what heals us and moves us through whatever it is that we are enduring, and for me that has spoken so many truths this week.
I have showed up to sessions this week in therapy and just had this amazing connection to my therapist and the room because I am no longer thinking "I need to feel better!" "what is going to happen tomorrow?", "how do I get back to where I was when I was feeling really good?", "what about the rest of the week and the time ahead?" - rather what can we do now to help now? Right now is the moment that counts for the future.
My good friend Jennifer AKA "Jenshim" (a nickname I gave her 8 years ago, and mine is Kshim) she posted this devotional and it just took my breath away and I want you to really read this and really sit with how you can apply this to your day and your life:
“A lot of times, it can be easier to have faith for the future. We believe “one day” we’ll get a good break. “One day” we’ll feel better. “One day” the problem will turn around. If we’re not careful, we’re always putting our faith off, believing that in the future something good is going to happen. But, true faith is always in the present. God is called “the Great I Am” not “the Great I Will Be.” He wants to show you His goodness, His favor and His mercy today! if this is going to happen, you can’t just have faith for the future. You have to believe that “today is my day.” “This could be the day my health improves.” “this could be the day I get what I am looking for” … there cannot be an expectancy that something good is going to happen.. No, expect that TODAY is your day and watch what God will do in every area of your life!"
I have really taken this devotional, and brought it together with what I have learned in my now 7 years of therapy and that is "be with what is here now, not tomorrow or yesterday".. this week though feels big, I feel really connected not only to my support, but to myself in this hard place I am in.
When we focus on how to make things better going forward, we tend to lose sight of the space we are in now. God is here today, my support is here today, I am in this moment today, how I focus on today helps tomorrow and the days going forward, but if we ignore the moments in front of us, we miss out on what lessons or what moments we can embrace now.
I am going through all kinds of tests around my heart and I feel content in this connection because I am focusing on today and what today means. My therapist and I have worked so wonderfully together and he has really helped me to tell him how I feel in the moment and how we can take this moment and help whatever is here in this moment.
I have felt more open to talk this week in therapy; even letting my therapist known what my struggles are around these tests and doctor appointments I have had this week. In the past I would have gotten real quiet around this and even let the weight of silence force me to do it alone and not talk about my fears or concerns. I would normally be focusing on how this will affect me tomorrow, or how can I make it better for tomorrow? and what will I do a week from now if this is not better?
I have noticed that if I slow down, and really get present with myself right in this moment, I can say "ok, what are my fears?", "what do I need in this moment", and "how can I make room for all that needs to be focused on now?".
God gives us today, tomorrow is never assured, so we need to embrace what is here today and let God do his work so that we can move through the days ahead of us.
For me when I feel fully connected emotionally, it helps whatever is going on physically and that is such a huge difference from my past. Sometimes when I don't feel well physically my past creeps up on me and creates its own story of how I should be, and if I just take a moment to breathe and slow down, I can be in this moment and let even let the past be the past.
I have one more scan this week for my legs. Because my heart has been having some issues I have to have a leg scan done (Bilateral artery scan) to check for blood flow, and for me that is a huge thing because I don't like being touched anywhere on my legs, so my therapist and I have worked so hard to make room for me to talk about how that makes me feel and what my concerns are and I notice that when I put out there how I feel "in this moment" it creates less room for the old messages to getting the way later on.
So in closing this has been an amazing week even though its been hard. I feel incredibly connected and sometimes no matter how much I am going through, if I feel connected, that is the cure for moving through whatever else I have to move through.
God gives us today, lets see what we can do in this moment today and let God do his work in us and for us so that we can be who he intended us to be - connected to self and others.