I have been a little on the quiet side for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes when I am going through something that needs my full attention, I tend to lean out and go into my own little world to process it. My therapist has reminded me that sometimes its "OKAY" to lean out a little as long as I stay in connection; to not beat myself up into thinking that I am weak or not working hard just because I am a little quiet.
In the past I would have isolated in that quietness and shut myself off from everyone around me, but this time I may have been quiet and I may have leaned out a little, but I stayed connected to my support and really worked hard to talk about whatever it was I was hold in the middle of what I was going through.
The past couple of weeks I have been dealing with my health/heart issues. I had a couple of tests done and one of the results came back with more abnormalities on my heart scan. We set up a meeting with my heart DR and that appointment was this past Thursday.
Leading up to this very important appointment I was supported and loved through the whole process! Normally I would have isolated and walked through this process alone - I may have kept the results quiet to not burden anyone ... but my therapist and I worked SO hard before hand to keep me grounded in the "here and now" and to just stay connected every step of the way no matter what the results were or what was going to happen going forward.
My husband and I sat with my heart DR Thursday and I was able to stay grounded and ask the questions I needed to ask. I didn't go into anxiety or want to run. I showed up big and ready - even got a text early that morning from my therapist reminding me that "this is the path to healing" .. these are all steps needed to get me healthy physically and emotionally.
And.... low and behold I have more tests done that will tell us so much more about what is going on internally.
Monday I have to be put on a 30 day monitor that will record my every breath, every move, every part of my day. This is to get a really good look at my heart rhythms so that we can make some decisions going forward. I will have to walk around with all these wires under my clothes for 30 DAYS! Its going to be a challenge and its going to be uncomfortable, but its going to be something that will really tells us what is going on with my heart rhythm that can't be picked up on an EKG.
I will also be having a bilateral leg scan to check for blood flow next week. This is a test to check for blood flow in the main arteries of the body. This is also important as well as I have been having trouble with my legs being really sore. They are checking for PAD (peripheral artery disease) from the faulty heart valve.
I have learned so much emotionally in these past 2 weeks. My therapist and I worked incredibly hard on getting me to really see that just because I am going through a hard time with my health and having to lean on support more, doesn't mean that I am "too much" or "dependent" or "not working hard enough".... me leaning in and telling my support exactly how I feel HELPS my support to support me.
I have learned so much about "letting others take the lead" when I am not sure which way to go and letting that be OKAY. It's okay to ask for help, ask for what it is I need and not be ashamed of that.
The entire week I found myself leaning in towards my husband, my family, my friends, my therapist, GOD, myself.. I didn't lean out into old messages out of fear. I reversed those old messages from the past and that is exactly what this healing is about! changing the old messages with new healthy messages.
Andy told me about this quote that his friend Howard Fradkin writes in his book "Joining Forces" and the quote is "our past has taught us to be loyal to dysfunction and disloyal to functionality" ..... a part of healing is about being loyal to functionality and disloyal to dysfunction.
Changing what the past lies has taught me. The past taught me that I have to go through this alone, that I am not supported, loved or cared for, I am not going to get better, I am not worthy of connection and goodness.. those are the old messages. My therapist really helped me to see that I am loved, cared for, supported, connected, and I am NOT going go through this health problem alone.
As I sit here Saturday at the end of a very hard week, I am RIGHT where I need to be. I am getting healthier because I am allowing the DR's to do what they need to do. I am supported, loved, cared for ... I am surrounded by amazing trusting people.
So even though I was quiet the past couple of weeks, in that quietness healing was really setting the stage for what is needed for the next steps going forward in my health and emotional healing as well.
Sometimes when we are going through a hard time, we are angry or frustrated with where we are in life, but sometimes we really are "RIGHT" where we need to be. Every moment is a reason for the next.
I look forward to using what I have learned and what I have accepted to take steps forwards into more understanding. It's always exciting to find new parts of me that wasn't there before, and I like to see where I can apply it in other ways.
When you can open up and be in full connection, the possibilities of healing are ENDLESS!