Today was one of those amazing moments where a really hard and disappointing day turned into a day of healing, perseverance, and clarity for me. I had a very hard session today! The weight of silence showed up on a day I wanted to be big and open; a day I wanted to push through and talk more of what I have been holding in the work we have been doing.
"The weight" meaning, I show up to my session and something keeps me quiet and silent and its hard to push through and talk. Sometimes I am big and open, and other times I am shut down, and today on a day I wanted to be big and open, I felt very quiet and that was frustrating for me.
But ... What I thought was a weight filled session turned out to be the moment I actually "met" my inner young self and all her emotions.
During session today my therapist reflected on something that really hit me! He reflected just how hard and how painful my life was as a child, and not only a reflection, but an understanding. That understanding allowed the young part of me to emerge through and allow me to feel and be with those emotions that were there.
I FELT it, I really felt that young part hold onto those words of understanding and care. I felt the words my therapist shared with me helped me to accept all that I hold and feel inside - and all that I have gone through and how sad that is.
The reflection of words were almost like a new kind of trust was found, and that trust allowed me (the adult) to accept that young hurt, scared, little me inside that is hurt and wounded. I accepted that part of me that needs to be healed, and that felt SO big for me.
I felt the emotions from that young part of me inside emerge, and for the first time in all of the 7 years I have been working in therapy, I allowed myself to "FEEL" what I felt as a child and not pushing it away like I normally do.
Finally we meet... finally me and the young emotions meet.
I allowed the images of the past to be there, and to not let it make me want to run, hide, or swallow my emotions. I finally felt for the first time what it was like to feel emotions from the child inside that holds all that pain and suffering from the past. Not just to realize they are there, but to feel it and sit with it.
It was big, scary, vulnerable, but it didn't kill me! It didn't make me melt away into my emotions, I was still there, me, still present in the room that holds all the truth to my past. I was still Karen siting there next o my therapist hand in hand and I wasn't shamed for my emotions.
It didn't make my therapist run, in fact it made him embrace forward. I didn't pay a consequence for owning and feeling my emotions, I was rewarded by getting to know and understand a part of me and who I am.
What I thought was a session with no hope when the weight showed up, ended up being a place where the weight WAS needed in order to be with what has been here all along.
When I left session and drove home I was flustered and shocked. I felt the cool breeze from the air conditioner on my face and sun was beaming right on my face through the window. I don't remember my ride home as all I could think about was feeling something I never felt before and that was - the real-ness of those emotions that I never felt before.
I knew in that moment what I needed to do. I knew in that moment that I needed to find a way to no longer fear what is here and to allow my therapist to help me through emerging more of what is here from the past.
I knew in that moment I needed to make this step forward because this place I am in right now; this place of self isolation in not a place for me.
I truly feel like God intervened today; to show me that its okay to embrace this painful open wounded part of my life. I truly know now that its okay to talk about what is here and feel what it is I need to feel with no shame, or guilt or protection of others of my feelings and emotions.
I said to my therapist "I need you to help guide me now that I have taken this first big step on such a big part of the path" and his voice was filled with excitement. He took a deep breath because finally I see what he has been trying to show and tell me for 7 years now; that its okay to show up however I am, all of it is accepted and supported.
He has reminded me time and time again that just because I have young feelings that it doesn't mean I am a separate person or have any disease, it just means there are wounds from my past that were never cared for or loved and now is the time to tend to the young me that never had the chance to be heard and cared for.
Its my job to re-parent myself and to change the lies to truth and to change disconnection to connection, and to change old messages with new healthy messages.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared.... I am petrified, but I am also excited and have so much hope than I had yesterday.
I am sad for myself, but happy that there is another part of my path - and I just took the first step today.
I am vulnerable but also know that in this vulnerable place, I can talk about anything knowing I am supported on this new path ahead of me.
I made a connection to my past, and that was a huge huge moment for me. I believe we put walls up to stop that connection because it's too painful to see, today I feel I made a connection to the painful past and now its time to heal what I see and accept asa part of who I was and who I am today.
I told my therapist today "I don't want to live to heal, I want to heal to live! I'm READY to push through the weight and finally give voice without the small messages telling me that I can't.
Today I embraced the emotions from the past ..... and finally we meet!