taking along my support

photoThe photo to the left is something my therapist gave me today to hold onto as a form of support while I go for a very important ultrasound for my heart today. This is a flattened quarter that he put on the railroad track right before a train came. He has wanted to do this since he was a little boy and he finally was able to do it a couple of months ago, and today he let me take it with me to my heart scan - which meant so much to me as I know how important this is to him.

Today I am going for a very important heart scan and I am nervous and anxious about it. My therapist has gone with me before to a very big heart scan, but today he gave me this to hold onto and we hugged in a prayer today before I left session.

This morning as I sat in session the young part of me felt present when I said to him "I wish you could come with me today" and he knows that for me to say that must mean something big is going on inside because I am the type of person that never shows my fear or worry. I fear dependency, and so when I show my feelings about being scared, it means something big!

Being born with a heart disease you would think I would be used to all these scans, but I never really get used to it. It's not fun going through moments of unknowns. Sometimes my heart does great and I have no issues for a long time, and then I will go through periods where I am constantly having heart palpitation.

I was born with Bicuspid Aortic Valve. I have a slightly enlarged aorta and eventually in time I will have to have to surgery to replace the aortic valve.

back in 2004 I went into "AFIB" (Atrial Fibrillation) and it was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me. IT was then I was diagnosed with Aortic Valve disease and since then I have to be closely monitored by a Cardiologist throughout the year; sometimes more if I am dealing with more problems.

I live with Heart Palpitations on a daily basis. Some days I am so used to it that it doesn't phase me in the lease, and other days I am in tears by how overwhelming it is.... I don't wish it on anyone.

Today I am having a heart scan done and I am nervous! But once its over I can breathe and just wait for the results and go from there. basically they have to measure the size of the aortic valve and if it gets to a certain size in cm, that is when I will have surgery. they scan to make sure my heart is not calcifying, or it's not enlarging to a size too big. They also check for regurgitation and backwash of the blood into the aorta.

This scan feels so big, and its nice to know that I have someone in my life who knows the fears and anxiety I go through around this without having to even say it. Someone just knows what is going on and that feels good - it makes me feel less alone. My fears an anxiety have a lot to do with my childhood and it trigger's me into past old feelings of the abuse, so moving through this scan today is big, but I know I am supported, loved and cared for all around.

My healing path is going so good right now and accepting this support and taking that a long with me is just another step towards that good work I have been doing.

I LOVE this quarter he gave me to hold onto today! I feel the good energy it brings knowing that even when I am alone, I am never really alone. I think back to my childhood and remember all the fear and sadness I went through as a child and now I can give that young part of me something to accept - support to be held.

SO today as I go for my scan I will hold onto the beautiful quarter my therapist gave me to hold knowing that healing is always taking place even in the moments I don't realize it.