This past week I have had some challenges both physically and emotionally. I have battled between isolation and connection, leaning in vs leaning out. You know, being a victim of a horrible past and all the memories that I hold, I realize that it never fully goes away no matter how much you heal the wounds.
Those old feelings of pain and sadness creep up on you even on good days and it takes you away like a wave in the ocean and you fight hard to swim back to the shore of understanding and goodness.
What I have realized, and what I do understand more is that - when I get closer to the truth in what causes these feelings that take me away, that truth makes those moments get "smaller" and "smaller".
One thing that Andy my therapist has said time and time again that just makes so much sense is "when we give something a name, when name the culprit of what we are fighting, it's easier to connect to it and heal through it". Giving something a name, giving something understanding is easier to heal than trying to fix something we don't understand, and I am noticing more and more how much truth that holds.
In the middle of my hard week this week I decided to do what I do best; to do what my therapist and I do best. I wrote a huge letter putting all my emotions and feelings out to be seen, heard, read, and felt. I sat and wrote out all my fears, frustrations, anger and sadness to my therapist to read and it felt GOOD to let that burden go and be held by someone else.
It's about the knowing... its about naming it.
Sometimes its hard to open up fully in session, and when I get to those hard places like this past week, sometimes writing out my feelings help, and I did just that, and it ended up being MORE truth to understand. It opened my eyes wider.
My therapist said this letter was "NAMING" all the things that I had a hard time naming. It helps him to understand what it is I am struggling with, and it helps me to let the burden of holding it alone go.
This has been the theme in my work in therapy for 7 years now. When I get to really hard place, I write it out, and he embraces it, and together we dissect it and we help me to move through it at a different level than the last. TEAM WORK!
In the hardness this past week I got closer to the truth of what those moments are that come in and SWEEP me right off my goodness. A HUGE wave that comes in an PULLS me out of the present here and now, and I end up kicking and screaming my way back to shore.
This letter I wrote helped me to understand a little more of where these waves come from, and now a part of our work is about how to find that fight "before" the wave come in and grabs me - rather than to fight already being taken away by it.
Closer to the truth of what takes me away in those moments where I feel grounded and connected, and why it shows up the way it does.
The pain from the past and the abuse I endured and ALL the emotions that come along with that will never truly go away, no matter how much therapy and healing I do.. but what I do believe is this: Getting closer to the truth helps me to fight whats to come. It's a challenge, but sometimes if you are prepared for it, you can cope through it better than to be knocked off your feet without seeing it coming.
I truly envy people who don't have unexpected waves that come crashing in for no apparent reason from the past. I don't wish this on anyone; to be fully present in a good day all the be swept off by horrible memories and feelings and your out there in the middle of the ocean fighting for the shore back. NO WAY.. but what I do have is strength that God has graciously given me.
Its those moments that God gives me a whisper to write a letter about my feelings, naming it, and handing it over to be held and that is where the healing begins.
So, what I realized this week is, it's about being prepared for the fight!
I am getting CLOSER to the truth of the daily battles and my hope is that someday the waves will be nothing but small ripples that just remind me of where my strength comes from.